Local Thrift Stores Introduce Millennial Mondays: 50% Off Skinny Jeans and Embarrassing Graphics Tees
Desperate to clear out stock that’s been collecting dust on shelves for months, Tallahassee thrift stores conducted a city-wide meeting this week to discuss potential solutions. After much deliberation, many local shops have announced that they will be participating in "Millennial Mondays," where shoppers can score a 50% discount on fashion relics that no one wants. Eligible items include ripped skinny jeans, Chelsea ankle boots, cardigans, and graphic tees with cringeworthy catchphrases. Customers can also enjoy an extra 10% off all Forever 21 merchandise.
“I think it’s a wonderful idea,” remarked Sandy McMillan, a longtime Goodwill manager. “I’ve been in this business a long time. It ain’t easy to sell this tacky, cheaply made dogshit, let me tell you. The kids just don’t want it anymore," she groaned, taking a drag of her fourth cigarette. McMillian continued, emphasizing that she and her team quickly hopped on the bandwagon. “I’ve already told my staff to move those fugly shirts to the front of the store. You know, the ones with sayings like, 'I’m a part-time vegan—don’t speak to me until I’ve had my avocados'”. Interestingly, the Pensacola street location has already enjoyed considerable success. However, that's largely thanks to the homeless people who hang out at the gas station across the street. Goodwill is getting expensive these days, and if that means doing your loitering in a pair of skinny jeans, then so be it.
It’s no surprise that this event has drawn mixed reactions. Some are flocking to the sale, but others feel they are being haunted by the past. A few have even decided to seek justice against these archaic thrift store practices. A painfully 34-year-old woman, Jessica Jordan, expressed her concerns. “Honestly, it feels somewhat discriminatory towards millennials,” she said, her voice quivering. “I don’t want to be defined by stereotypes. For example, many people assume I’m not disabled, but I have ADHD and social anxiety. Growing up, my parents also contributed to my PTSD by putting me in the gifted program,” she stressed, gnawing away at her sensory necklace.“Years of ‘unload the dishwasher’ and ‘no, you're not going out tonight.’ I really don’t like those microaggressions,” she stated. When we asked how any of that related to the sale, Ms. Jordan refused to comment any further.
Although styles have changed over the years, one thing hasn't—millennials are still as tone-deaf as ever. Despite the strange feedback, store owners remain optimistic that "Millennial Mondays" will help offload the stale inventory and make room for newer trends, like pajama pants at the gym. The weekly special is set to continue until the Tallahassee Community Thrift Gods decide otherwise.