Roberto Aguayo Hoping to Find Retainer He Left at Last Year’s Rose Bowl

Florida State players and fans across the country were ecstatic to learn that they will be returning to Pasadena to compete in this year’s Rose Bowl against Oregon. However, no one was more excited to hear the news than FSU kicker Roberto Aguayo, who plans to use the trip to find the retainer he lost during the game last year. “I can’t believe this is happening,” said Aguayo, who attributes all of his success last year to his lucky retainer. “Ever since I lost it, I’ve been playing terrible. I missed two kicks this year, I’m so embarrassed!” Aguayo has spent the last 11 months painstakingly retracing all of steps from last year’s trip to Pasadena, “I never take off my retainer unless I’m making a kick, and when I do, I place it neatly under one of my kicking tees so it doesn’t get knocked over by one of Cason’s crazy punts. I have no idea what could have happened to it.”

While Aguayo frantically searches throughout the greater Los Angeles area, there is one FSU player who already knows it’s a lost cause. “Yeah, I definitely stepped on it during the game last year,” said 310-pound offensive lineman Cameron Erving. “I haven’t had the heart to tell him yet because I know how much he loved it. I tried to glue it back together during the off-season but it just wasn’t the same.”

Meanwhile, head coach Jimbo Fisher is not concerned at all with any of his team’s orthodontic nonsense. “The only thing I’m concerned about right now is figuring out how many points we’re gonna let Oregon score in the first half. I’m hoping to be down by at least 20 in the first quarter; that’s the only way I can feel anything anymore.”