White House Bans Use of the Word “Florida”

Florida governor Rick Scott, in what seems like attempt to prove that he is actually an uneducated five-year-old trapped in the crypt keeper’s body, has banned use of the term “climate change” among his employees. Upon hearing about this, President Barack Obama has decided to fight back by banning the word “Florida” among cabinet members and Congress. “At this point, our great nation would be better off without Florida,” said the president, jamming to his advanced copy of Kendrick Lamar’s new album Malia scored for him. “But since cancellation of statehood is apparently not in my job duties, and I’m tired of sticking my fingers in my ears and singing ‘lalala’ really loud whenever somebody makes a Florida Man joke in congress, I thought I could do the next best thing and just ban any discussion of it all together.”

White House employees say that they received a list of substitute phrases to use when talking about Florida. The list includes terms such as “Miami, Etc.,” “California on Opposite Day,” “Parrot Head-Lice,” and “Georgia’s Penis.” While most employees are thrilled with this decision, and haven’t had trouble simply ceasing any mention of Florida and ignoring its existence altogether, some are struggling. Speaker of the House John Boehner says he’s tired of going to the Capitol building’s tanning salon and asking to be sprayed “The Reason Bush Was Elected in 2000 Keys’ orange.”

When asked by the press if he believes that the-state-that-must-not-be-named could ever earn a spot back in America’s vocabulary he simply winked and said “I don’t know, e-mail Hillary about it or something, suckers! I’m out of here in t-minus 680 days, at which point you can catch the whole Obama family on the private island Hawaii’s giving us. Unlike Gatorland-mine, Hawaii’s a state that actually knows how to treat a POTUS right.”