Presidential candidate and constant receiver/transmitter of static electricity Bernie Sanders recently gave a speech in Portland during which a tiny bird landed on his podium. This was a small, cute incident with no political significance.
Read More
After Delta Gamma capitalized on popular brand Adidas’ logo, the company realized they could increase profits by taking advantage of the free marketing and just changing their name to Delta Gamma.
Read More
The voter turnout rate for young adults is staggeringly low. It would appear that millennials would rather “turn up” than “turn out.” However, students who did cast their ballots reported to have their motivations split between performing their civic duty and wanting to feel morally superior to others.
Read More
Despite major losses on Super Tuesday and a general underperformance throughout the primary season thus far, one FSU student and member of the Progress Coalition has stated she believes Bernie can still win the primary.
Read More
On Saturday, February 20th, a Donald Trump victory in S.C. coupled with a single-digit performance led Jeb(!) Bush to suspend his campaign indefinitely. Governor Bush was able to maintain poise during his concession speech, but upon returning home to the Bush family residence, witnesses say Jeb(!) rushed to his room yelling that he did not want to discuss what had just occurred and then slammed his door before flopping onto his racecar bed with his head buried face-down in a pillow.
Read More
Following the death of Supreme Court Justice and world-renowned bigot Antonin Scalia, the American public awaits the appointment of a new judge who will take the vacant spot in the nation’s highest court.
Read More
At a Bush campaign stop in Nashua, New Hampshire last night, a nearby horse broke its leg under the heavy weight of the silence following what has not been described as a rousing speech by Jeb(!).
Read More
As any true American knows, one of the finest features of the land of the free was demonstrated this morning, when early stages of this nation’s fate were decided. However, this year was slightly different. Millions of individuals from either side of the argument came together to determine the outcome of this crucial day in American history, and the decision came down to the wire.
Read More
In another instance of privileged people wilding since the dawn of time, unofficial White Student Union Facebook pages have been surfacing across the World White Web this month.
Read More
Despite my initial warning, CNN has chosen to go through with its broadcast of an abomination entitled The Hunting Ground.
Read More
In the wake of the tragic terrorist attacks in Paris, the French Red Cross is refuting the overwhelmingly popular consensus that putting filters on profile pictures or tweeting about how sad you are about the tragedy with the hashtag “#PrayForParis” actually helps support Parisians in need.
Read More
Despite overarching, seemingly obvious evidence that granting people more access to firearms increases the chance of being shot, as well as a less-than-year-old shooting on the FSU campus, the Florida Senate and House of Representatives are well on their way to voting in favor of HB 4001, more cutely known as campus carry.
Read More
Listen up you sweaty sacks of alligator shit, I’ve been getting a lot of complaints lately about this pathetic excuse for fall weather I’ve got going right now.
Read More
Following his announcement that he will not be seeking the presidency in 2016, Could’ve-Been-Should’ve-Been President Joe Biden delivered an eloquent speech from the Rose Garden this afternoon about the importance of middle class-growth, LGBT rights, women’s rights, the abolishment of systematic racism and pretty much everything else you would want a presidential candidate to say.
Read More
Following CNN’s three-hour televised reminder that Hillary Clinton is running for president and is in fact a woman and that Bernie Sanders probably invented the phrase ‘fuhgeddaboudit,’ few questions were left unanswered. Among the few was one from most-improved-debate-participant Lincoln Chafee, who wondered, “Who invited Anderson 'Big Ol’ Bully' Cooper to the sleepover?”
Read More
Boston College started this week with a chip on their shoulder leading up to Friday’s game against Florida State, knowing that win or lose, the Jesuit college would still have the head of the Catholic Church on their side. Unfortunately for them, Pope Francis announced this morning that while he does believe in climate change, he does not believe in the Eagles’ ability to beat Florida State.
Read More
Recently, Senator Marco Rubio spoke with an AM radio station in Des Moines, Iowa while the actual Republican frontrunners were on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and packing stadiums in Dallas.
Read More
Jeremy Paisley Jr., CEO of the successful educational publishing company Paisley-Nill, started this week off with a real case of the Mondays; still hung over from partying it up with his old Dartmouth buddies in the Hampton’s at their annual pre-Labor Day “All White Everything” event.*
Read More
oday marks the end of Ramadan, the Islamic holy month of fasting. Despite what you may have thought, Islamic holidays do exist outside of International Snapchat stories!
Read More
After last night’s bloody Game of Thrones finale, local alumni and currently unemployed person Jeremy Goldberg has found himself facing hardship matched perhaps only by the challenge of being a Stark or a woman in Westeros.
Read More