Jeb(!) ‘Doesn’t Even Wanna Talk About It,’ Storms Through Bush Residence Slamming Doors

On Saturday, February 20th, a Donald Trump victory in S.C. coupled with a single-digit performance led Jeb(!) Bush to suspend his campaign indefinitely. Governor Bush was able to maintain poise during his concession speech, but upon returning home to the Bush family residence, witnesses say Jeb(!) rushed to his room yelling that he did not want to discuss what had just occurred and then slammed his door before flopping onto his racecar bed with his head buried face-down in a pillow. “Oh dear,” said a fretting Barbara Bush, standing outside the door of  the former G.O.P. front-runner, holding the yellow Gatorade she was waiting to give him after the primary. “Don’t let that cursed Donald boy get to you Jebbie(!). You’re twice the candidate he is. So what if it’s clear people wasted over $150 million on your campaign? Come on, honey, hurry up and come out. Your brother Georgie promised he wouldn’t give you a noogie like he did all those other times that you lost. ”

“Leave him be, Babs,” said a stained undershirt-clad George H.W. Bush, watching ESPN and lamenting not being tough enough on Jeb(!) as a child. “Let the boy come out when he’s good and ready. Jebediah’s got a lot to learn, and he don’t have no Dick Cheney to guide him. Boy’s gotta learn on his own. Get me some cigarettes and tell one of our other kids to start running for office. If he can’t cut it, we’ll get Neil or Marvin, two totally not fake, completely real sons of mine to do it.”

“I don’t want any Gatorade, mom! And I’m not crying anymore, dad! Just leave me alone,” said Jebbery(!) Ebbery(!) Bush, grabbing his diary and turning up the volume on Sufjan Steven’s Carrie & Lowell. “Why does nobody understand me? Policy matters! Ideas matter! Being smart matters! I matter…”