In a move almost as surprising as it is late, FSU’s Student Senate has actually done something and passed a resolution on 4/20 (ayy lmao) that aims to ban headdresses from all FSU-sanctioned events, including football games.
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Local Honors and straight-A student Tracy Clayton is reportedly going places after volunteering to proctor teacher evaluations on the last day of her Organic Chemistry II class late Wednesday afternoon.
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As finals week rapidly approaches, students are taking advantage of the several stress-relieving amenities Florida State has to offer. Many will be sunbathing on Landis, some will be heading over to the Leach and others will be making their way over to Chili’s for casual dining featuring subpar Tex-Mex cuisine and a prominently located glory hole.
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Following Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant (R) signing a bill into law legalizing discrimination against the LBGTQ+ community, FSU President John Thrasher has jumped on the bandwagon of bigotry and signed his own bill into law, effective immediately: Florida State University employees may now discriminate based on whether they think you’re a fuckin’ nerd.
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Dearest friends, followers, hate-readers, super intelligent dogs and my parents probably, My name is Aubrey Burrough and I regret to inform you that today, April 1st 2016, is my last official day as editor-in-chief of the Eggplant….APRIL FOOLS. Haha psych! April Fools again, it totally is my last day.
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Suwannee is arguably the most iconic location of your freshman year, other than the bathroom of The Den at three in the morning where you cried every other Saturday night.
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Following last week’s stormy Thursday, it’s clear that FSU Alert is somehow still more reliable than your shitty boyfriend Todd. Per usual, the FSU Alert text for the storm on Thursday afternoon went out after the inclement weather had passed, sent multiple times and ultimately did not fucking matter since you had to go to class anyway.
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Lost in the commotion of a busy school semester and a spring break chock-full of sinning, many Christian students have completely forgotten about the sacred religious tradition that is Lent.
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Sometime during the past week an ominous new statue of Robert Manning Strozier was installed right on the ledge you have too many memories of sitting on and deep breathing yourself through a 4 AM finals week panic attack.
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As Florida State University works to take down the remaining skeleton of the once not-so-great Kellum Hall, students have begun to make a connection between the building’s demolition and the degradation of their own spirits. Both are deteriorating slowly and painfully at the hands of the university.
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The voter turnout rate for young adults is staggeringly low. It would appear that millennials would rather “turn up” than “turn out.” However, students who did cast their ballots reported to have their motivations split between performing their civic duty and wanting to feel morally superior to others.
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Attention, all students! Today, from 3-6:30, free pizza will be available in and around John Thrasher’s office. The official statement from his office asks students to enjoy some nice Papa John’s despite the fact that with every bite they take, more and more voters around the county will be casting ballots for Donald Drumpf (#JohnOliver2016).
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In preparation for his financial accounting exam the following week, frat king and business major Taz Bradington booked a study room in Strozier Library and told the “five hottest blondes within gawking radius” and some of his brothers to come. Unfortunately, none of the females showed up, causing Brad to cancel the study group and take the anger out on his pledges.
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Dr. Leonard Minione, an actuarial science professor at Florida State, was in the middle of a lecture in his differential equations class when he stopped to show a YouTube clip of Schoolhouse Rock: Math Stuff and delayed the class for twenty-five minutes while he tried to figure out “how to make the noise go.”
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Ignoring all principles of basic human decency and personal space, local Rapunzel Sofie Grimm was excited to put her hair all over her classmate’s desk during Intro to Astronomy. Unluckiest girl in the world Carly Crumpler had the misfortune of being assigned the seat behind the fair lady.
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In a manic rush from caffeine and having listened to Daft Punk on loop for the past 48 hours, FSU students were proud to announce that they developed a software to remove the disease that has been plaguing the tropics lately: the Zika virus.
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Once-proud literature professor Dr. Tom Villanueva is now considering a new career path after calling on student Rachel Lake, only to discover she was actually “just stretching.” Such embarrassment has plagued educators since the beginning of time, but Dr. Villanueva vows it will not happen again, not to him.
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Not to be outdone by a measly $100 million donation to Florida State’s entrepreneurship program by the Jim Moran Foundation last month, Florida State’s own University Housing has announced the single largest donation of mold in state history to the lucky residents of Smith Hall.
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With finals week in full swing, stressed and frustrated FSU students have begun binge drinking coffee and leveraging the “season of giving,” hoping that their one friend with an Adderall prescription will catch the gist. Florida State, always a compassionate institution, has in response temporarily changed name of its “FSU Secure” wifi network to “FSU Insecure,” to mirror the collective feeling of disdain across campus.
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After the embarrassing, soul-crushing, absolutely devastating defeat the Gators suffered at the hands of the Seminoles last night, University of Florida students spent even more time mourning than they normally do after they wake up and remember that they’re still in Gainesville.
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