Local Honors and straight-A student Tracy Clayton is reportedly going places after volunteering to proctor teacher evaluations on the last day of her Organic Chemistry II class late Wednesday afternoon.
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The ‘90s, baby! The best decade FER SURE. Remember Furbies, Beanie Babies and Nickelodeon? What about your AOL screen names or totally envying Cory and Topanga?
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Whoa, watch out for Josh! Florida State sophomore Joshua Rooney visits the Dirac Starbucks every morning, but unlike the other lonely virgins that congregate at this caffeine source before their 9:30 classes, he’s confident enough to shake his head back and forth when the barista asks if he wants room in his coffee for cream. Wow, this guy fucks!
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In an unsurprising turn of events, Dr. Gillian’s intro level political science class turned into a soapbox speech about how disconnected millennials are.
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With a mere two and a half weeks remaining in the semester, students across campus have begun attempting to calculate their final grade for all of their classes.
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Melody Ramirez’s heart skipped a beat early Wednesday afternoon when Dalton Stevens, a guy she had a one night stand with, politely nodded at her when they made eye contact in the Union.
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Listen up, you bright-eyed, bushy-tailed sacks of horse shit, This morning I had to wake up at 9:30 AM and I can confidently say that never in my life have I wanted to cause mass destruction until that very moment.
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Late Monday night, four students were stabbed after staying in a Strozier study room three minutes past when their reservation ended. The altercation began as a simple passive aggressive knock and smile when the clock struck ten but escalated quickly into a knife fight outside of 107F.
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After a string of recent incidents across campus, students have put together an entry-level colloquium for students who at any point during their college career have called their professor ‘daddy’ and are desperate to learn where the relationship goes from here.
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Sophomore Samantha Young has vowed never to speak, sing or be curious as to what her butthole looks like ever again in the hopes of never recreating what happened last weekend.
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Following last week’s stormy Thursday, it’s clear that FSU Alert is somehow still more reliable than your shitty boyfriend Todd. Per usual, the FSU Alert text for the storm on Thursday afternoon went out after the inclement weather had passed, sent multiple times and ultimately did not fucking matter since you had to go to class anyway.
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Lost in the commotion of a busy school semester and a spring break chock-full of sinning, many Christian students have completely forgotten about the sacred religious tradition that is Lent.
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Sometime during the past week an ominous new statue of Robert Manning Strozier was installed right on the ledge you have too many memories of sitting on and deep breathing yourself through a 4 AM finals week panic attack.
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As Florida State University works to take down the remaining skeleton of the once not-so-great Kellum Hall, students have begun to make a connection between the building’s demolition and the degradation of their own spirits. Both are deteriorating slowly and painfully at the hands of the university.
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The voter turnout rate for young adults is staggeringly low. It would appear that millennials would rather “turn up” than “turn out.” However, students who did cast their ballots reported to have their motivations split between performing their civic duty and wanting to feel morally superior to others.
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Sophomore Blake Cortez has been suspended from FSU on cheating accusations after asking his neighbor what his professor’s name was in the middle of a midterm exam.
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Every four years, the world is given an extra day to go about their average lives. While a handful of unlucky twenty year olds are looking forward to celebrating their fifth birthday, the rest of the world is ready to go about leap day as just another awful day as a human being on a rotting rock spinning through space.
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February 28th marks the day that sophomore Shane Bennett feels sorta OK again logging onto Facebook for the first time in a few months after the shitstorm that is Dance Marathon hype time.
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In preparation for his financial accounting exam the following week, frat king and business major Taz Bradington booked a study room in Strozier Library and told the “five hottest blondes within gawking radius” and some of his brothers to come. Unfortunately, none of the females showed up, causing Brad to cancel the study group and take the anger out on his pledges.
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As springtime approaches, more and more students are infesting FSU classrooms with sneezes, sniffles and the crippling self doubt that what they are doing isn’t enough to fulfill their dreams. This semester, despite pleas from teachers and fellow classmates, many students elect to stay in class rather than rest at home.
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