This Guy Fucks: Student Never Asks Starbucks Employee for Room for Cream in His Coffee

Whoa, watch out for Josh! Florida State sophomore Joshua Rooney visits the Dirac Starbucks every morning, but unlike the other lonely virgins that congregate at this caffeine source before their 9:30 classes, he’s confident enough to shake his head back and forth when the barista asks if he wants room in his coffee for cream. Wow, this guy fucks!

“I always knew Josh would be one of those guys who fucks,” said Josh’s friend, who does not fuck. “Sometimes I see Josh drinking his coffee black and I just can’t help but think, ‘man, this is time he could spend fucking.’ He usually catches his mistake and remedies it by that night, but there have been a few close calls.”

Forget Josh’s deep-cut v-neck revealing his very separate pecs and beginning of his eight-pack abs. All you need to know to be sure that the exercise science major is a sex god is to hear his cool response to the overworked student barista’s inquiry about whether Rooney plans to put creamer into his blonde-roasted coffee: “Nah.” Doesn’t that practically just scream “I have a large bepis and use it often for sexual purposes?” We sure think so!

Some of us may have the sexual prowess of Josh, but you know what we can all agree on? None of us have the courage to just learn how to tell our barista when enough is enough!