Last Chance! Campus Chili’s Glory Hole Closing for Semester This Friday

As finals week rapidly approaches, students are taking advantage of the several stress-relieving amenities Florida State has to offer. Many will be sunbathing on Landis, some will be heading over to the Leach and others will be making their way over to Chili’s for casual dining featuring subpar Tex-Mex cuisine and a prominently located glory hole. “Christ, I’m gonna miss this place,” said graduating senior Tad Backer, facing the wall at the glory hole and wincing in pleasure as he ordered a strawberry margarita while at Happy-Ending-Happy-Hour. “I remember one time during freshman year, my buddies and I came in to try a Triple Dipper. At first you think it’s gonna be weird to share like that, but we all finished pretty quickly with no complaints.”

The glory hole was installed in the late nineties as the result of an organized effort from FSU’s bowling team. “It can be tough meeting women when you’ve got such a rigorous athletic schedule to maintain,” says former FSU bowler Johnny “Split” O’Connor, the current FSU record-holder for games lost in the final frame. “It can be difficult to get off on-campus, but the Chili’s glory hole is about thirty feet from the bowling alley and doesn’t require actually speaking to any women.”

Despite its popularity, the glory hole is scheduled to shut down over the summer. Students have requested the orange-green build up around the hole be removed and Florida State has valued the cost of this repair at around $140,000. Down but not out, the glory hole will be back in action just in time for Summer C freshmen to meet new friends, have some enchiladas and enjoy what is absolutely, positively the safest sex you can have during Summer C.