Textbook Company Can’t Fucking Believe It’s Still Pulling This Off
Jeremy Paisley Jr., CEO of the successful educational publishing company Paisley-Nill, started this week off with a real case of the Mondays; still hung over from partying it up with his old Dartmouth buddies in the Hampton’s at their annual pre-Labor Day “All White Everything” event.* Barely able to conjure up the strength to text an intern his coffee order, all seemed lost until he remembered today was the day- Financial Aid Day. Paisley Jr. breathed a sigh of relief, stuck his feet up on his desk and spoke. “Time for all those poor college students to buy our textbooks...whether they like it or not!” Paisley Nill, a company whose influence has been unprecedented in the textbook community, always expected that at some point their success would plateau and then eventually take a harsh decline due to the Internet and the pirating opportunities it offers for tech-savvy and/or incredibly broke students. “Can you fucking believe it?!” Inquired Paisley Jr., taking a break from emailing his lawyer about the current state of his Ashley Madison lawsuit, “you know how many times we were told our days were numbered? I mean who the fuck pays for creative content anymore, right? Illegal downloading has affected the enitre media industry; from music, to network television, to our less popular cousins- books not required for a college class. But damnit we’re still here!”
While other books have seen significant declines in sales over the past decade, the textbook industry has actually increased in profit steadily. According to Paisley Nill Sales Director Charles Burokovitz, “Ya see, the beauty of the textbook business is that even the worst student will buy the required textbook for a class with their financial aid, just in case they need it. It doesn’t matter how much money they just overpaid to move into their new ‘so close to campus!’ apartment, or that we bumped up the price by $50 just because we can. They will find a way to get that book, even if it means surviving off of Publix food samples for a week.”
Paisley Nill also donates a large sum of money to the universities it sells to in exchange that they instill students with an expulsion-level fear of pirating content on campus. “There is nothing college kids fear more than getting kicked out of college, so they have to buy it. Legally.” said Burkovitz as he considered whether or not buying his daughter a third pony would be enough to make her hands-down the most popular girl in the 2nd grade. “I mean what a company am I right?”
This time of the year has been dubbed within Paisley Nill headquarters as “Financial Ayyyyyyyyy-d” season by intern Jakob Cohen on his Twitter account @MdernWolvesofWallSt. Cohen's account, which is basically an unorganized imagination of PN being the Stratton Oakmont of today, has gained a wide company following and is literally the only thing he does for his paid internship, which he can expect to turn into a six figure salary within the next five years.
*The Eggplant has been asked to clarify that the party name “All White Everything” is in reference to the dress code, and not the race of attendees, which coincidentally fits that description.