Oh Did You Think We’d Have Fall Weather By Now? An Op Ed By Florida

Listen up you sweaty sacks of alligator shit, I’ve been getting a lot of complaints lately about this pathetic excuse for fall weather I’ve got going right now. You’ve all got the climate change theories going, but I’m here to clear things up once and for all. Thing is, I just loathe each and every single one of you, and live to watch you all sweat until you would rather be dead than live in this swamp dungeon anymore. Oh, you want fall weather? Well I want to not be the fucking punching bag state of this great nation so I guess we’re all unhappy.

I get thousands of subtweets a day and quite frankly, I’m sick of it. If you haven’t noticed I’m currently dealing with Marco Rubio, Jeb Bush, and Rick Scott all being the faces of Florida, so you’ll understand if I don’t have time to focus on making sure every day is clear skies and 72 degrees. If you want to wear that God awful infinity scarf so bad move to New York, and pretend to be happy. Do you know what else New York has? A 4:00 PM sunset and streets lined with broken dreams. So please, continue to tell me how much you want to move so you can experience real seasons.

Just try and guess how many times I’ve turned on my television and heard people bashing me.I have feelings too and guess what, “Florida Man” headlines hurt. And you never defend me. You just say, “Well my family is actually from New England and I identify more with that so I’m not really from Florida.” You were born in Jupiter, Florida, and you wanna know what else, it was 86 degrees with a slight overcast and your parents loved it, they went to the beach. By the way, you’re welcome for all the beautiful beaches? I can take it all away, I can burn every Publix to the ground, riddle the streets with lost tourists, and send some hurricanes that are just bad enough to be a hassle but not bad enough to get you any time off of school and work.

We could’ve had a fall filled with beautiful breezes, cool air, and warm sunshine, like my more popular step-brother California but you ruined it all by calling me “the penis of America,” You are all thing ruiners. You ruin things. Fall months mean nothing to me, but now your agony means everything.

I hope you’re all happy,

Florida