Bush Unable to Place Ominous Feeling as Horse with Broken Leg Taken Behind Barn

At a Bush campaign stop in Nashua, New Hampshire last night, a nearby horse broke its leg under the heavy weight of the silence following what has not been described as a rousing speech by Jeb(!). The Bush supporters in attendance both noted that as the horse was being taken behind the barn, Jeb(!) began to sweat profusely, opening his mouth and closing it again as he furrowed his brow and reportedly tilted his head to the left in confusion. “I… I can’t say exactly why I froze up like that. I thought the speech was going great. I feel like in a few seconds either of the audience members could have started clapping. Even without me asking,” said Governor Bush as he sat in the back of his campaign bus, clutching a stuffed elephant from his youth and staring intensely out the window. “By the way, that horse, the leg could have healed, right? There was still time. That horse was a thoroughbred, not some Scott Walker type.”

“Governor Bush took his experience with the Terri Schiavo case to heart. He really thinks that you should keep trying to make it as long as you have a pulse,” said Jeb(!) campaign manager Danny Diaz this morning as he filled out applications for managing a hospice care facility, noting he now had significant experience in the field. “Right after the event he seemed so strange. He kept saying, ‘I think something is coming, but I just don’t know what.’ On top of that, as he fell asleep he just kept repeating the names ‘Donald Trump’ and ‘Marco Rubio’ like Arya Stark does for her kill list in Game of Thrones.”

“That was pretty rough for him,” said on-the-fence Jeb(!) supporter, George W. Bush. “But listen up, it might seem like nonsense that Jeboo(!) has a shot in Hell of winning this thing, but earlier this morning Ted Cruz got called a pussy by leading candidate Donald Trump, two nights ago the Panthers got destroyed by a team with a 100 year old quarterback, and Sly Stallone is on track to win an Oscar for what is essentially Rocky 7. Apparently 2016 is the year of crazy shit, so let’s not give up on the Jebster(!) yet.”