Fisher Blames Overconfident Fan’s Refusal to Knock on Wood after Predicting Win

Coach Jimbo Fisher was quick to answer for yesterday’s loss to a 2-5 Georgia Tech team by pinning literally 100% of the blame onto overconfident junior Natasha Greenwood, who boldly predicted Florida State would “crush Tech” and then refused to knock on wood after saying so. “All it would’ve taken was one knock. Maybe two,” cried Fisher sitting atop the Unconquered Statue while listening to “Hello” by Adele and fiddling with his 2013 National Championship ring. “I am just so disappointed in her. I’m really not angry, just so deeply disappointed. God, Adele is so good and I feel so much.”

As kicker Roberto Aguayo’s streak of scoring field goals in the fourth quarter came to an end, so too did his streak of scoring right after the fourth quarter with his latest Tinder match. “Honestly, if he had messaged even minutes before the game started I would have flown to Atlanta for a half time quickie.” said Aguayo’s now ex-Tinder match Annette White. “But now I wouldn’t even touch him with a 56 yard pole.”

Natasha Greenwood has respectfully withdrawn from the university and transferred to Georgia Tech after realizing there is no need for her to continue hiding whose team she’s really been on this entire time. But even amidst tragedy, Jimbo Fisher was able to muster up the strength to rally his troops and their fellow ‘Noles.

“We’ve seen the gates of hell, they’re encompassed by flames and riddled with performances like the one you saw last night. We’ve stared into the face of Lucifer himself, and we know his eyes change from orange and green to blue and yellow to orange and blue as the weeks pass. But listen to me. Listen to me, my crying children.” Comforted Father Fisher. “We may have stumbled. We may have been forced to look our deepest fear dead in the eye for the first time in three years, but we are stronger because of it. We see clearly, we see opportunity, and we see Gainesville. And we are coming for blood.”