Manning Attempts Cam Newton Touchdown Dance, Throws Out Hip

Jealous of all the attention the young, handsome, charismatic and just all around cool guy Carolina Panthers star Cam Newton has been receiving for his dancing prowess, Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning took it upon himself to match his upcoming opponents moves. At each practice leading up to Sunday’s highly anticipated Super Bowl, Manning set aside time to practice what he calls “the latest, coolest trends” such as “the whip” and “the bap.” Unfortunately, Manning’s move busting got the best of him and he suffered a dislocated hip just before kickoff. “I am not particularly well-versed in the genre of hip-hop, but from what I understand, it is full of a bunch of eclectic and fun individuals,” Manning said as he was hiding a box labeled ‘HGH’ in the back of his locker, which Manning swears is actually just “Huge, Giant Hummus.” Manning claims he was just working hard to prove himself and to make friends with the younger guys on the team. “I thought I could show them a thing or two, so I went to my go to from back in the day. I started off doing the twist and all that came out was a shout.”

“This is just embarrassing,” Cam Newton while admiring his perfect, white, straight teeth in a handheld mirror he keeps in his jockstrap. “I know kids like to dance like me, but for a grown man to try it makes me uncomfortable. I hope he’s okay to play because it’s a lot cooler telling people I beat a future Hall of Famer instead of some back-up quarterback who shares a name with the worst gym leader in all of Pokemon. Even if Peyton Manning is 55 years old and literally held together by athletic tape and spanx, it’ll be a better story.”