Fraternity Men Take Immaturity to New Heights by Contracting Disease Common Among Four Year Olds

Earlier this evening, The Tab reported that there has been outbreak of Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease (HFMD), most commonly found in kindergarten classrooms, among fraternity men at Florida State, proving that there is no level of immaturity too high for these fine members of the IFC. Although the disease is not serious, it is highly contagious and those who already plague themselves by spending time with these men have been advised to practice good personal hygiene and avoid common Greek life hangout spots, including Potbelly’s on College Avenue and Donald Trump rallies.

“When me and my brothers do ANYTHING, we go all out, whether it’s Big Patty Boy’s 23rd or getting a disease commonly found in the same age group that gets chicken pox,” said Greg “The Leg” D’Antonio, setting up a DVR recording for Dora the Explorer and heating up a glass of milk in the microwave. “I gotta go though. I was supposed to be in bed by 8:30 and I haven’t even brushed my teefs yet!”

“These blisters hurt, but this lady says I can’t pick them,” whined Stuart “Stu-by Doo” Reinhart, pointing his suddenly child-sized hand at a Wellness Center nurse. “Hey, you got games on your phone?”

The nurse, Bria Jackson, shook her head as she washed her hands. “I keep telling these boys to just take pain relievers, that they don’t have to get bowl cuts or stop using metal cutlery, but they just won’t listen,” she said. “Honestly, maybe it’s a good thing. This seems like the perfect opportunity to re-teach them the difference between ‘yes’ and ‘no.’”