Fucking Loser Sits at Bar Inside Campus Chick-fil-A

According to numerous eyewitnesses who described what they saw as “depressing,” “eye-opening,” and “definitely the worst thing I’ve seen since I went into a Bellamy bathroom,” a lone freshman sat by himself at the bar inside Chick-fil-A, mournfully gazing at each and every college student that entered the area during the Wednesday lunch rush. Onlookers described the incident as disturbing, which has sparked campus-wide protests particularly from College Republicans, who have created a Kickstarter to build a wall between the entrance to the Chick-fil-A area and the sad, sad bar that faces it.

The lone sitter in question, junior Raymond Lee, defended his choice of seat. “Honestly, as an undergraduate pursuing a Bachelor of Arts in the Department of Interior Design, this was my own way of silent protest against a legitimate injustice. I think it’s disgusting that the bar, which is used only by the considerate loners who didn’t want to take up a whole table, is made to face the growing Chick-fil-A line, so I have no choice but to sadly shovel down my pickle-free spicy chicken sandwich. Anyway, did you all know the DNC rigged the primaries? #StillSanders!”

“I don’t know what that punk was thinking,” said sophomore Ronald Joseph, known by his neighbors in Ragans as “Ripstick Ron.” “Everyone knows that Suwannee is where you go when you need to eat alone, but then you bust out of there like one of those famous Ripstick YouTuber channels I follow and rip it all the way down Honors Way. Wow! Anyway, 15% is way too high a threshold for the presidential debates. Don’t you think, brother? #FeelTheJohnson!”

Despite the pushback against his silent sit-in, Raymond stands firm in the face of his perceived injustice. “I’m honestly glad I’m getting people to talk about this issue. It’s incredibly important and affects dozens of sad, lonely students every day. Dozens!” Argued Lee, as he tugged on a belt loop on his Urban Outfitters skinnies to reveal a pair of jorts underneath. “Besides, it’s really difficult to get people upset by such a simple, nonviolent act. But if there’s no prominent celebrity or athlete who is willing to partake in a peaceful protest to help get people talking about an issue, then I guess it’s up to me!”