Op-Ed: I'm An RA and I Do, In Fact, Know What You're Doing All The Time

Listen, I like to know everything that goes on in my hallway and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. As an RA, you're getting paid to be the Sherlock Holmes of FSU by looking out your peephole and listening intently as people converse in front of your door. Every week, we're forced to write reports talking about how a special “few” of our residents are doing. I forced all 38 people on my floor to follow me on social media to keep up with what they're doing and increase my follower count. Money and internet clout? Now that's a sexy combo.

If I'm being honest, this RA gig has helped me realize that my third eye is kind of powerful. I knew exactly what my residents meant when they said they were having a "pizza party" in the Reynolds Rec Room on a Saturday night. Those heathens were getting ready to turn up and used "are you bringing plates?" as a code word for alcohol. If you've got a red solo cup, I doubt you're putting just water in there. If I'm being completely honest, I used to do all sorts of stupid things as a freshman. I know your tricks because I invented them. When one of my poorly-made Game of Thrones wall decorations went missing, my spidey senses told me that someone had it hanging up in their bathroom next to a giant mound of one-ply toilet paper.

I even managed to figure out that a bunch of my residents were going out together last Friday. These gosh darn kiddos always drop hints about what they're doing every weekend to let me know they're "one of the cool kids" who love to track dirt on their white Converse at The Strip and lose their touch with reality in the above McDonald's afterward. They even walked by the front desk, dressed to go out, to say "hello." It was kind of wholesome and I just told them to make "somewhat good decisions" because I'm not their parent, just a cool authority figure who only has to do my job if I see, hear, smell or suspect them doing anything out of the ordinary.

It's also not even hard to know what's up. They make it extremely obvious by being loud as shit after 9 p.m. and update their Instagram stories every 20 minutes. I'm basically omnipotent and exist everywhere on campus at once, so it's hard to keep certain things from me. I literally found out that Bruce and Nolan from Room 444 were dating after seeing them on Legacy Walk together. Sure everybody's gay in 2018, but they were legit holding hands. In public!