FSU Sailing Club Disappointed to Find out That Lil Yachty Is Just a Rapper

Homecoming has arrived, and while all three people organizing FSU’s Homecoming performance were scrambling to find enough foldable chairs for the event, the FSU Sailing Club was sinking into some hard truths. Ever since the announcement of Lil Yachty as this year’s musical performer started ruminating in the student body’s collective unconscious, conversation on the rapper’s relevance took an unforeseen turn after coming to the attention of the FSU Sailing Club. The club, which was initially ecstatic about a prospective boat babe finally giving ship lovers exposure, was beside themselves with the news that Lil Yachty has nothing to do with little yachts or even a measly sailboat. 

The FSU Sailing Club has famously drifted through campus without detection for years, mainly due to the incidents in the school’s fountains that banned them from on-campus recreation indefinitely. Yet, this group of nautical nymphomaniacs has recently made itself known after club president Chelli Gull took a stand against FSU Homecoming’s exploitative gas-lighting. “If you’re gonna book someone with the same name as a favorite national pastime, at least put in the announcement tweet, ‘Not a favorite national pastime. Just a rapper,’” expressed Gull. “He says ‘Lil Boat’ at the beginning, middle, and end of every single song, but it’s my fault for thinking that FSU finally paid attention to my idea to replace the Homecoming parade with a three-day regatta?” 

Owner and operator of the FSU Rez, Rick Tide, provided some insight on the sailing club’s reaction, as he seemed to be the only person within a 30-nautical mile radius who has endured these boating enthusiasts’ delusions. “I’ve never heard anyone on a sailboat listen to anything besides 90s country and that Spotify Playlist called ‘Yacht Rock,’ so it’s no surprise that they’re like this. Their sense of reality is as unreliable as the wind in their sails,” said Tide before constructing a snowman entirely out of the plastic bags and White Claw cans littering the site’s Miller Lite-soaked sand. “Honestly, ‘sailors’ are holding on to a mode of transportation that’s been obsolete since the 1800s. They’re so horny for this warped sense of the past, it’s no wonder they wouldn’t recognize a rapper even with a ‘Lil’ in his name.”

Now that the tropical storm has effectively moistened a few parking lots, the FSU Sailing Club has been spotted trying to catch a breeze that might propel them across the lot from Marshall’s all the way to Old Navy. Clearly still reeling from the unfounded excitement of being seen for once, the group of barnacle besties has taken it upon themselves to gain exposure, even if that means praying that some wind might be able to move a 165-pound man holding a bedsheet on a skateboard from the Civic Center back to the recording studio to make another song besides ‘Broccoli.’ At least the Men’s Student Union got what they wanted with Pete Davidson, right?