Learning Through Osmosis: How to Make the Best of Your In-Class Naps

Everyone has seen that student who sleeps through lectures several times a week, yet still comes out with a high “A” like “it wasn’t that hard or anything.” Perhaps they are invoking an ancient, eldritch power deep in their blood, or maybe they’re just retaking the class for the third f*cking time. There’s plenty of guesses as to how someone could achieve this, and one student thinks he’s figured it out - a little technique he likes to call “osmosis.”

“Inspiration first struck me during my weekly 2-hour long biochem nap. When you pass out on top of your notes every single lecture, they tend to blur together and smudge on your face. But then one day I found myself sleepwalking into class only to be faced with my midterm exam,” said Frank Johnson, a second-year biology major and self-professed glutton for punishment who was actively seeking to patent his process. “What I hadn’t realized was that I genuinely knew how to answer the questions! Turns out you actually do process something when you sleep with your eyes open. My roommates call me ‘unnerving’ and ‘nightmarish’ for it. Well to that I ask, did you beat the class average with a 62% on your biochem midterm?” 

“I don’t think he knows what the word osmosis even means. He’s just had a crush on Osmosis Jones since 6th-grade health class. Then again, haven’t we all?” said Stephanie Craig, a begrudging long-term friend of Johnson and advocate for studying the ‘old fashioned way.’ “Sometimes he raises his hand and answers a question while he’s still asleep. It’s like, just shut up? What’s so wrong with panic-skimming a highly questionable quizlet you found while walking five minutes from the Woodward labyrinth to your exam? These new-age, pseudoscience study tricks are all bunk, just do your goddamn reading and no one will get hurt!”

While there is no scientific research to support the effectiveness of this new studying technique, FSU encourages students to take a hands-on approach. You may not be able to absorb lecture material through biological processes, whipping out a textbook and a blue raspberry scented highlighter is a pretty foolproof way to secure the scholarly bag of your parents’ dreams. Studies say you need 8 hours of sleep every night, but no one said those 8 hours had to take place exclusively  in your bed. Apply for a research grant, hit up ACE Tutoring, but most importantly, get to napping and let everyone know how it goes. Seriously. Asking for a friend.