Freshman Who Peaked in High School Devastated That Homecoming Doesn’t Include Dress-Up Days

Homecoming is a special time at FSU - the frats are always suspended, the football team is always bad, SGA members act like they work at the fucking Pentagon while protecting the identity of the PowWow performer and students across campus secretly ask themselves why this whole thing even exists. And while white boys who hate their ex-girlfriends for no reason rejoiced over Pete Davidson and Lil Yachty’s performances, not everyone is so thrilled about the homecoming festivities.

Chad Daniels, proud Orlandian and state champion high school track athlete, was disappointed with the festivities planned for this year’s homecoming week. “When I was in high school at Bishop, I was Secretary of my class and President of NHS. We always made sure to have the best homecoming around. I’m talking lit dress-up days: ‘Merica Monday, Twin Tuesday, Wacky Wednesday, Throwback Thursday you know, really original stuff. We always made sure that the student body could wear something mildly culturally insensitive and the girls could wear something just slutty enough to break the dress code. But now that I’m at FSU, all we have are B-list performers and Friday off of school.”

Taylor Richardson, former cheerleader, FCA soccer player and Young Life Leader (although that sticker is still on her bumper), was also nostalgic for her old homecoming days. “I bought a $500 Sherri Hill gown thinking that there would be a dance after the football game. Now I find out that the closest thing we have to a homecoming dance is getting on the stripper pole Yianni’s,” said Richardson while adjusting the “HoCo Queen 2018” satin sash around her torso. “How am I going to spend time with my boyfriend who’s still a senior in high school? He was supposed to come up and be my date to the dance, but I can’t bring him to the Strip since he just turned seventeen.” 

No matter what you plan on doing for homecoming, we hope you get to show some school spirit, especially as Pete Davidson inevitably berates us and our football team ceremoniously throws the game in the second half. This weekend, forget about those last few midterms and whether or not you have time to hit up Goodwill to finish up your ‘sexy Renegade’ Halloween costume. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the Friday we basically already had off. Don’t forget to secure that free shirt you’ll only wear on laundry days or while dyeing your friend’s hair. Happy Homecoming, Noles!