Student Who Can’t Afford Therapy Animal Certification Revives Old Nintendogs

Anyone who's anyone has played with a cute dog on Landis - whether it be a frat guy’s “chick magnet,” a LARPer’s only friend that goes by some dumbass name like Sir Fredrick Lancelot, or a creepy preacher’s dog who doubles as a way of tricking students into talking to them. Regardless of the dog’s owner, there is one thing that is universally true: every single canine is registered as a fake therapy dog to avoid a rent upcharge. One student, however, has been overwhelmed by the extreme expense of properly registering her furry friend, and has instead decided to pull out her good ol’ baby pink Nintendo DS and resurrect her Nintendogs.

Sophomore Hannah Larson - who goes to parties with the sole purpose of hanging out with the owner’s dog and wants to make sure people know it - thinks her decision to revive her Nintendogs is ingenious. “I mean, I know my Nintendogs have been dead since 2009, but they comforted me through so much back in the day. When I was 11 years old going through my first ugly phase, my Nintendogs - Taylor and Lautner - were there for me when no one else was. My parents’ divorce? No problem. My agility-champion schnauzers gave me the opportunity to be the guardian that my parents never were. I was going to get a dog, give it zero training, and then register it as a service animal so I could fly with it for zero cost, but luckily my Nintendogs already fly for free and there’s way less shit to clean up after they get altitude sickness.”

However, other students aren’t as impressed by Hannah’s choice to cope with her mental illness exclusively through the use of virtual puppies. “Listen, using Nintendogs as therapy animals is like using mango juul pods instead of mint. It goes against nature. There are rules,” said Blake Johnson, a proud brother of Epsilon Gamma Gamma, recently elected snowflake watchdog of the FSU College Republicans and proud owner of a lifted Ford F-150. “I got my German Shepard, Snoop Lion, for the single purpose of landing chicks and compensating for my tiny, comically sad penis. There’s no way you’ll get to look at as many girls’ butts as they bend over to put your dog with some shoddy dual-screen gaming console. Our dogs have nothing in common; one is fake and does nothing for you, while the other pees on your carpet and struggles from a lack of exercise. Oh, did I mention you can make one of your Tinder profile pictures your dog? That really turns girls on, right?”

Whether digital or real, students will do whatever it takes to handle the stress of the first round of the semester’s exams. For those of who cannot afford a pet or a now totally valuable Nintendo DS Lite, there’s still the Landis therapy dogs that come out for three hours right before exams and totally make up for the UCC only letting you come to therapy once every six years. So even if playing with some pups on Landis or training for the upcoming Nintendog’s agility competition with the ASLC Nerds sounds like a solid option, remember that a dog is a big responsibility and that a prescription for Lexapro can also do the trick.