Man Asking Girlfriend to Consider Polyamory at Sweet Shop Gives New Meaning to "Yes, We're Open"

Dating on a college campus can be a unique challenge. In the quest to keep the romance alive, couples might find themselves running into difficult, yet universal obstacles: how do I ask if we’re exclusive without seeming too invested or whatever? Does the overwhelming crush I have on my microeconomics TA count as micro-cheating? Is it really a date if I had to swipe my FSU card to get in? In search of answers to these age-old questions, junior by credits and on-thin-ice girlfriend-haver Landon Smith attempted to spice up his relationship with a questionable proposition.

“All I said was that I wanted to fuck her roommate, and now she’s mad,” said Smith, constantly refreshing r/relationships on his phone just in case his burner account had picked up some tips. “Last week she made me go to an improv workshop because we needed to ‘try new things together.’ I don’t understand how testing the waters of short-form comedy is worse than me trying out one of her close friends. Her roommate’s just like, not like other girls, you know? Whenever a football game is on she always yells ‘touchdown’ at the right moments. One time when I was coming out of the bathroom and drying my hands on the khakis my mom picked out for me, I was like ‘How about them Seminoles?’ and she was like ‘Yeah,” then burped. On the other hand, my girlfriend is sweet and bubbly and does my financial accounting homework for me.”

“I was just trying to be friendly. When he was trying to choose which 1 ounce bag of chips he wanted to go with his chicken ranch wrap—he settled on Cool Ranch Doritos—I made the mistake of joking ‘If only you didn’t have to choose,’” said Sweet Shop cashier Ava Jordan, after telling a customer that they actually don’t take FlexBucks here. “He agreed with me a little too enthusiastically, and his girlfriend stormed off to find somewhere to sit. Being a cashier at the number one just-off-campus shack means you get to hear plenty of gossip, but honestly, this was just too sad for me to talk shit about with my coworkers.” 

It appears love is not in the air for yet another patron of FSU’s finest place to get a smoothie that is 90% ice and 10% off-hand insults. Just as the giant banner inside the establishment reads “No Outside Food or Drink,” Smith’s girlfriend would prefer no outside banging in their monogamous relationship. The writing was on the wall, and by we mean the booth they sat in had Sharpie’d recommendations to ‘LEAVE HIM, SIS’ and ‘CALL FOR A GOOD TIME’ scrawled all over the wood. Smith’s now ex-girlfriend ended up doing both. Amen, sister!