Dad Hired as University Ambassador, Points Out “This Wasn’t Here When I Was Your Age”

The only people who love FSU more than obnoxiously peppy Orientation Leaders chanting at 5 a.m. on a Tuesday are the parents who want to relive “the good ol’ days.” The cringe stories they tell with misty eyes about causing vaguely illegal mayhem and doing keg stands behind the old president’s house really bring them back to their glory years. All these stories somehow come out of the woodwork during the most inopportune times, primarily around a bunch of fellow snotty teenagers and their families on a campus tour. However, nothing is more horrifying than your dad hijacking your FSU experience by becoming a surrogate University Ambassador. Because without Dad, how will anyone learn that the Leach actually wasn’t there “back in his day?”

“This hole?” said notoriously immature accountant and father John Brown while pointing at the Old Union™. “Get your mind out of the gutter, kiddo! That elevator shaft hellscape is the hole in my heart. It might not have been that accessible or had a single room without a broken maroon cushioned chair, but when I was your age, the Union was the place to be! That glass cage they’re building is nice and all, but have you ever seen Carothers? She’s a beaut,” yelled Brown before interrupting himself to go into yet another tangent about him and your “uncle” Jim driving his old truck into the bookstore.”

“I don’t really get paid enough to care about his ‘Dadisms.’ The cheesy puns and the sidebar conversations distract me from the lackluster and dry script that they force-fed into me. It is kind of endearing, but I would definitely die if my actual dad were here,” said George Bryants, veteran University Ambassador and known smug-little-shit while luring the next cohort of unsuspecting families into the bookstore with the promise of a 2% discount. “Besides, it is a nice change of pace, and the older folks love him. He is a definite hit with all of the boomers and the legacies.” 

To all of the new Noles, congratulations and welcome to this dysfunctional family. Make sure you book those accepted student visits before UCF starts throwing wads of cash at you. We hope you have fun walking around campus and enjoying everything it has to offer, from the hills to that random man that bikes the PediCab. It is a time of transition and a bit of anxiety but like what your old folks say: college is the best four years of your life. Unless you’re a STEM major or have mountains of student debt - then it’s kind of ass.