Sewage Truck on W Park Ave Suggests Sorority Girls Might Actually Poop
Underneath the pink porcelain tiles of W Park Ave’s HAUSes lurks a dark and cold river that surfaced Friday afternoon. Shit - specifically, the shit across from Epsilon Gamma Gamma and Dunkin Donuts - was smelt and dealt with by a gargling sewage truck emitting unholy fumes. Despite the aromatic perceptions of grandeur protecting the girls’ porcelain thrones, local smell-abled residents reported accounts of the sorority flushing down a lot more than those bottles of Tito’s hidden from the House Mom.
Interior Design major and “Event'' according to his IG bio, Athoni Rose, reported smelling jarring fumage whilst sipping his Dunkin’ Iced Cappuccino. “I have made the mistake of sitting in the farty back of a classroom once before. That, in no way, prepared me for this stench. When I realized that shit smell was coming from outside, specifically this big truck by Bill’s bookstore, I literally had to cross the street.” Rose pointed to the specific drainage site that the truck was allegedly sucking excrement out of while indiscreetly checking his reflection in Dunkin’s mirrored patio windows. “It smelt like a major sewage break, you know, the ones that are gonna’ sink Florida in 20 years. But there was no flooding, just diarrhea drip coming from this suction-y poop truck and an unforgiving stench.”
One insightful History major, Sherri Ontop, had a little history of her own to tell. “This isn’t the first time this has happened on West Park Avenue. During my freshman fall semester, the sororities’ shared septic tank couldn’t bear the weight of the new pledge class’ first Taco Tuesday. I was walking home from one rather stimulating SLC game night when I thought to stop by Baskin Robbins to buy a full ice cream cake shaped like a dog’s head. That’s when an explosion occurred right before my eyes,” said Ontop while staring wistfully into the Baskin Robbins cake fridge glass. “Some say the EΓΓ house got rebuilt because they could never scrub all the feces out of those white columns.”
The identity of the truck was still to be determined as of Friday night, yet its stealth suckage of the street’s shit river certainly had those with a nose thankful for its service yet fearful of its return. Hopefully, it has saved us from the fateful events that occurred those years ago, but who’s to say another explosion isn’t in our future? Who’s to say a snakey sister won’t slither her cigarette butt into the community septic tank? For now, the airways stay clear of the toxic sludge piping out of West Park Avenue’s streets. That being said, always beware of the brown mushroom cloud brewing just beneath Ep Gam’s suspiciously green lawn.