How Could You Possibly “Not Make” The Zoom Meeting?

Now that the world as we know it is on Zoom, the only place where that one guy in your class can try to convince you that he’s really taking this meeting in the Millennium Falcon, it’s getting harder and harder for people to blame their tardiness on a late bus or lack of parking. But, as a wise, unidentified woman once said, nevertheless she persisted. Thirty minutes before your scheduled conference call, here this ding dong comes, drafting up a text about how they can’t make the Zoom meeting. What does that even mean? What could they possibly be doing?

“I don’t know what you could be up to, but it better be special if you can’t even sit, without pants on, in the slight discomfort of your childhood home, and stare at your own reflection for an hour. I mean, I thought we were all in this ‘ah, I’m so bored I have nothing to do but eat and jack off’ thing together,” said Jason Guinness, Zoom’s first perfect attendance award winner, as he wrapped up another awesome session of Cheez-Its and porn. “It’s like, there’s nothing you could possibly be up to. Maybe starting Curb? You could be starting ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm?’ I have no idea. If someone can come up with something they have to do other than attending a Zoom meeting that’s at the same time as the class they’ve been attending in person all semester, I will give them all of my toilet paper.” 

“I’m sorry I missed the Zoom meeting. I was really busy staring at my laptop. If I play one more game of Bean Counters I can finally afford to upgrade my igloo on Club Penguin, and this 250-word discussion post due next Thursday that I don’t plan on doing until the day of isn’t going to write itself,” said Jillian Jolly as she kicked her little legs back and forth in front of her laptop webcam view. “It’s actually easier to not go to things now. Before, I would have to make up some lame excuse as to why I wasn’t there, but now I can just tell them I’m not going. It’s not like I’m going to run into anyone that will ask me why I wasn’t at the meeting. I definitely could be there, but the thing is that I choose not to be. And that’s on girl boss slay.” 

Unfortunately, there’s not much to be done about a chronic meeting misser. You will see them when you see them, and that’s just the way the wind blows, baby. Next time you get a text back, ask them how their latest show binge is or make up a rumor about how people have been talking about how they’re a major loser for not showing up to cam with the girls. A case of FOMO might shake them into fight or flight and into that chatroom.