Cure to COVID-19 Found In Suwannee Dumpster Juice Stream

Florida State University researchers recently discovered that the vaccine needed to cure the Coronavirus has been found in the hazardous fluid that flows out of the Suwannee dining hall dumpster. The University’s students, faculty, and alumni may recognize this substance as the obstacle that separated them from absolutely mediocre food and hours of walking aimlessly trying to find a table. However, this finding may not be a quick fix, as the right combination of old yogurt, ketchup-soaked meatloaf, and weak coffee has to be combined perfectly in order for the vaccine to actually combat the virus.

Thomas Elway, the postdoctoral Biochemistry fellow that produced these findings, documented the origin of his discovery in his personal daily journal which read: “3/9/20: This virus seems to be getting pretty crazy in other parts of the country, but thank God it’s not in Tallanasty yet. Maggie just got back from seeing her family in Seattle and has been having these ‘headaches,’ but I think she just doesn’t want to ... As I was on my way to lunch, this idiot with a Vespa sped by and sprayed that rancid juice that comes out of the dumpster all over my lab coat!” A week after this documentation, Elway’s wife was diagnosed with Coronavirus, yet Thomas had reported no symptoms even after sleeping in the same bed (almost) every night. Elway took the research into his own hands and studied a sample taken from his lab coat and discovered that it was able to kill the virus upon contact.

After weeks of research, Elway and fellow scientist Peter Crayson have concluded that the bacteria needed to kill the virus can only be created under precisely disgusting conditions that cannot be found outside of this specific back alley. “The stench that radiates out of the back of the dining hall is never exactly the same, but there’s a certain quality that makes it always identifiable as Suwannee trash. We are still searching to find what exactly that quality is, but we have reason to believe that it includes a combination of regurgitated scrambled eggs and the secret ingredient - the love of Ms. Killings,” reports Crayson.

While a vaccine has yet to be created, a team has been collecting gallons and gallons of this magic fluid in order to further their findings. We advise that people do not take it upon themselves to drink the Suwannee juice, as direct contact may be lethal. Many that have attempted have burned holes in their throats and experience intense hallucinations. A specialized team of current Suwannee faculty has been brought in to test everything from remaking honey-fried chicken Fridays to leaving out slabs of melting strawberry ice cream in hopes of finding the formula to finally cure COVID-19 and get everyone back to their depressing daily routines.