Pushing the Limits of Science: President’s Ice Cream Social Now on Zoom

In an attempt to find some sort of normalcy and keep up with tradition, an unorthodox method of hosting one of the most anticipated spring events - President’s Ice Cream Social - has been brought to the forefront of student affairs coordinators. Now equipped with 21st-century technology, the event will be hosted on Zoom. Once a novel method of delivery, Zoom is now in the spotlight, keeping thousands of students connected to campus while offering a constant reminder to seniors that they need to get their gown rental fees refunded.

“In order to nail the ambiance of a humid, BO-scented and crowded April extravaganza, we sent packages to students with their very own humidifier and ice cream kit. I saw my kid do this once in their second-grade science class, and I feel like it’s the best approach,” announced the Chemistry Department’s overworked graduate assistant specializing in Ice Cream Flavors, Tina Robbins while she prepared to drop off the 43,000th salt-ziplock bag-creamer combination at the USPS store. “Not only are we shipping these bad boys out, but we are also making quirky virtual backgrounds and encouraging students to sit outside - six feet apart, of course - to really get the full experience while stuck in quarantine.”

“I honestly don’t understand why they’re trying so hard. Literally just save the money. They already took away being wasted for two days after finishing a MadSo challenge in one sitting and graduation. Why would I need to relive settling for vanilla because they ran out of chocolate during the first hour?” huffed Georgia Lambert as she rolled another fat one in her fluorescent “you go girl” themed childhood bedroom. “I guess it’s not too bad. We could be having graduation on Roblox and class by morse code. To some extent, I’m just really grateful that no one has suggested Second Life. That would send me to a dark place, AKA, my sophomore year Environmental Science lab.”

Now in their fourth week of Zoom University, Florida State students are grasping for any remaining normalcy and happiness. How does Tallahassee even look like at this point? Does Renegade miss us? Who is going to refund me for all of the FlexBucks I never got the chance to spend at 4 Rivers? There are many questions and not enough answers. One thing is for sure: stay the hell home so we can have a real fall semester and go to White Trash Wednesday this summer.