Strozier Starbucks’ Baristas Locked Inside With No Knowledge of the Virus
Ever since Florida State switched to online classes, students have been doing their work from the comfort of their unmade childhood twin bed. The switch to remote learning for the remainder of the year came as a shock to many people who barely packed enough clothes for spring break. Students were forced to say goodbye to their friends and the promise of getting an STD at a frat house before they thought they would have to. The only students that didn’t have to do this were Strozier’s Starbucks baristas. Between defrosting croissants and blending Frappuccinos, none of them have realized that campus has been closed.
The ten baristas have been standing around doing nothing for over a month, surviving on venti waters and cake pops. “I have no idea why it’s been so slow recently or why nobody has come to take the next shift. It feels like forever, but I was trained to never leave the cappuccino machine unattended,” said sophomore student Katie Johnson. She has not been able to check her phone while working, so she has no idea about the coronavirus or that school has been moved online. As of today, she has missed 15 assignments. “People seem to be avoiding Starbucks like the plague. It hasn’t been this bad since someone started the rumor that we make the pink drink using Peppa Pig’s blood.”
Without any idea of time passing, the baristas have begun to form their own society. They sleep in shifts while the others stand at the cash registers, waiting for someone to approach. For entertainment, they have competitions to see who can make the best cold brew and how loud they can shout an order. Removed from the outside world, the baristas have begun to create a new way of life, including a new art form of drawing smiley faces on cups, reminiscent of ancient cave drawings. They’ve also developed their own language. When Derek Roberts, a junior barista, was asked about COVID-19, he responded with “I’m sorry, we’re out of double-smoked bacon sandwiches, would you like a protein box instead?” According to the FSU Modern Languages and Linguistics department, that means “what is that?”
The doors of Strozier library have been locked since spring break and will not be opened for several months. While there has been some discussion as to whether or not the baristas should be let out, the conclusion was that they would be safer inside, away from the virus. Not only will this reduce their chances of exposure, but when the school does open, they will be even better at making lattes, which is a job even more essential than being a doctor.