"I Wish We Were in Class," Says Student While Open Mouth Coughing on Laptop
What some believed at first to be nothing more than a brief Hurrication 2.0 has turned into an everlasting nightmare that has made students actually miss being at school. Some are upset that they are losing out on their final semester at FSU, while others are upset they are missing what they didn’t know was going to be their last semester at FSU. While it might seem like hell is raining from above at this very moment, it is crucial to take a step back and remember what led us here in the first place. Anyone who has ever stepped foot into a frat house knows why it is no longer safe to walk amongst the bricks with this virus spreading so rampantly. The average college student's capacity for insisting they’re fine while hacking up their own phlegm-stuffed lungs for the entirety of a 2-hour lecture makes students’ eagerness to return to campus deeply concerning.
“I am dying to go back to school,” boldly proclaimed student Dan Rogers, as he violently open mouth coughed on his $1200, never before sanitized Macbook Pro. “As long as we like, wash our hands and stuff, I don’t really see what the big deal is. I hate being at home. My mom doesn’t even let me shotgun beers until after 8 p.m. I feel like I’m in one of those lame author-terrier dick-tater-ships or whatever they’re called. Whatever happened to that survival of the fittest or natural selection? If I had to deal with learning about them in Baby Bio, you should be willing to put your life in danger so I can fall asleep during an in-person class. On top of all of that, my girlfriend ghosted me since I can no longer show up to her doorstep unannounced to apologize like I usually do. If you’re reading this, Jessica, please unblock me.”
“Listen, I miss bad traffic, no union, and the constant construction on Jefferson Street as much as anybody, but at least I was finally able to get rid of Dan,” said Jessica Stone as she mindlessly swiped through Tinder with her passport location set to Brazil. “As soon as I was home, I realized I could block his ass and never talk to him again and all my problems would be solved. Online school sucks, but at least here I get free food and free laundry. Plus, I can get the constant attention I seek from my parents instead of the guy my friends are mad at me for texting. I’ve learned a lot since quarantine, especially that, como se dice, boys are much hotter in other countries. Oh? More about Dan? Yeah, his dirty ass is the exact reason we’ll never step foot in a classroom again.”
While Dan grapples with his losses in solitude, this might be just the push towards change he and others like him have needed. Hopefully, his mom can finally build up the courage to tell him to cover his mouth when he dramatically sneezes into the air and shouts, “Oh no, I got the Rona.” On the bright side, queens, such as Jessica, are undoubtedly much safer from COVID-19 while away from their dumb, dirty boyfriends.