“So, What Are You Guys Doing After This?” Asks Professor on 4/20

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Today has to be the best day to celebrate one of the “highest” holy days of the year. Right now, it is socially acceptable and even encouraged to spend the entire day at home. Sure, the world is ending and the dread that comes with worrying is overwhelming, but that’s all the more reason to celebrate, right? Got to enjoy what time you have left on Earth, after all. It seems everyone is getting into the spirit during the world’s end - even your professor who retired from being a Deadhead in ‘76. That being said, your prof’s sign off from the needlessly long Zoom lesson did seem a little strange. Maybe there was more to his usual “stay safe and have a great day” than he let on?

“He usually isn’t this interested in our lives. Most of the time he just makes a joke about us smoking Juuls and how we are about to enter another recession and then sends us off,” said student Isaac Robinson while ignoring the professor’s advances just like he ignores the COVID-19 updates. “This isn’t to say our professor isn’t weird. Every professor tries to be hip to an extent and, funny enough, it seems like the ones that don’t care are the only cool ones. But my Religion professor Dr. Loude was dead-set on talking about how we were going to spend our Monday after his class. Then he asked in hushed whispers if ‘we got the good kush, my broskis’ and a lot of other incoherent nonsense. I don’t know what a broski is, but I haven’t smoked since the eighth grade.”

“You know, I was a college student once. I know what happens today. I get it, my hombres,” explained Dr. Loude, who should not be talking like that. “I’m not trying to be nosey here. I wanna respect all my student’s privacy. But c’mon, we are in a crisis here! Why don’t we have a little fun together? We can all set up a Zoomie Call and get sent to the atmosphere if you know what I mean. I already know some of you are drinking over Zoom calls for some reason, so let’s take the next step. Let’s move on from crippling alcoholism and embrace Mother Nature. I can hang!”

Dr. Loude has since been arrested for violating the stay-at-home order after “trying to get lit with his bros.” People also seemingly forgot that everything is recorded on Zoom whether or not they enable the function and now there are hundreds of hours of people drinking on video. Of course, this is just added to the litany of Snapchat pictures and videos. But unlike Dr. Loude, at least they look pretty cool while giving up their privacy.

The Eggplant FSU