How Is That Guy You Saw Playing Guitar at CDU Once Doing?

A tragic month has passed since anyone wearing Doc Martens has stepped foot in the Wilbury. As the lights flashed and the math rock blared (for the last time), a guy with long black hair sat in the corner drinking a Modelo, looking as if he’d never felt love before. Doe-eyed and drunk, you watched him approach the stage, electric guitar in hand, and thought to yourself, “I’d let him do anything to me.” If the punk, Camel Crush smokers knew that it would be the last time of their spring semester in the dingey musk of a bar, maybe they would have pretended like they cared about something for once. Now, you have one question ruminating through your little pea brain every waking moment: how is that hot guitar player doing?

“I’ve thought about him every night since I saw him play a cover of ‘Reptilia’ with his band at the Wilbury, and when I say every night, I mean every night,” said sophomore Digital Media & Production major, Carter Murphy, while sterilizing her new but gently used vibrator with a water-based soap. “Every time he struck a chord on his Gibson, I found myself closer to God. I thought about filming a doc based on his band, but how could I even hold focus on my craft when all that matters are his massive hands plucking the strings and his flannel button-up? After his set, I thought about talking to him, but he just went back to the corner of the room and finished his one beer. God, I’d let him spit on me.”

“Yeah, I play guitar,” said Joe Smith, FSU alum and part-time Firehouse Subs worker, while polishing his guitar and touching up his roots to make his hair fully Dark Black. “I pretty much hate anything that’s not me creating my music. Making subs helps me afford shelter, plus I get free turkey clubs, but otherwise, I play guitar, write music with my band, and pay Spotify to let me upload my music to their streaming site. Someone told me girls think I’m ‘fuckable’ after our performance at the Wilbury, but I’m just too focused on my career to engage in sexual activities. I don’t have the time to break someone’s heart. I only have time to write about what it would be like if I did.”

We’re here to tell you that the guy playing guitar at CDU is doing just fine, but simply, does not give a fuck about you. Social distancing has created an entire army of horny college students, so it makes sense that you can’t stop thinking about the hot guitarist that made you consider having disgusting sex in the bathroom of the Wilbury. Next time, try to go for the uglier guy with mommy problems on the piano, and if that fails, a CDU volunteer can always be ready when you need them to be.