Seniors Take “It’s Not Alcoholism Until You Graduate” to the Next Level by Not Actually Graduating
Now that another week of quarantine has rolled by and turned into finals, the feeling of what could have been is weighing heavily on FSU seniors. The parts of graduation that seemed inevitable, like getting caught in the pouring rain on your way to the ceremony or your mom threatening to leave your dad because he drove the wrong direction down a one-way street in graduation traffic, seem like a distant dream. Nevertheless, the class of 2020 is nothing if not resilient, and they have discovered a positive about missing graduation: they can keep drinking as if they are still college students!
Mallory Maxwell, an FSU Entrepreneurship major whose favorite hobbies are tequila and Tinder, has found great comfort in the fact that she can still party like a college student. “In my four years of undergrad, I got my stomach pumped so often that I just added all the nurses at Tallahassee Memorial on Snapchat so they would be prepared to see me in the ER at the end of my wild nights. I have realized that graduation being canceled is God answering my prayers. Now, I still get to be in my sorority since I never really got to graduate! I can’t wait to make funny Tik Toks of my sisters and I jumping off the balcony at Recess. Anyway, it’s already 10 a.m. so I’m late for my morning tangerine White Claw - I’ve been drinking it for vitamin C, and I think it’s really working.”
Others aren’t so happy with this new found benefit of graduation being canceled. Tommy Jones, ASLC nerd and Pokemon Go lover, got a bit unlucky when it came to graduation. “So, I had to take this super hard differential equations class again this semester, and I got a 35% on the midterm. I had already failed this class once before, and it was the only thing keeping me from getting my diploma. Well, now that graduation is canceled, I didn’t even need to tell my parents that I wasn’t going to graduate because nobody is! I’m stuck at home during quarantine and my mom has somehow grounded me, a twenty-two year old, for my grades. Apparently, she judges legality based on cognitive functioning, so I am now six. God, what I would give to be pounding back craft brews while discussing “Hunter x Hunter” with my friends!”
Having graduation canceled sucks, but just know that the Eggplant will always be here for you. No matter how you plan on celebrating, we know that the entire class of 2020 deserves a huge party and a stiff cocktail. Look on the bright side: you probably won’t ever have to fight for parking in Woodward Garage at 11 AM ever again. Take this extra time to pour one or two out for your fellow seniors and dance around in your underwear because no one can tell you not to. Hang in there ‘Noles!