Biology Majors Rally Together To Share Communal Bong in the Name of Testing Darwinism
While we all learned in elementary school that this world is survival of the fittest, the concept can be hard to believe when there are gremlin folk like Ben Shapiro and UCF students running amuck. In the time of Miss Rona, biology majors at FSU have decided to revisit this theory. To do this, they have employed the literal only thing a non-science major would remember from their years of torment in the public schooling system: the scientific method. These self-destructive maniacs put to test one hell of a hypothesis: If we get absolutely zooted then it won’t even matter if one of us dies!
“Honestly, humans have totally cheated the system. If I don’t make it then that’s just how it’s meant to be,” said Blake Hill, self-described entrepreneur and spiritual guide for the Elon Musk fan club. “It’s been months of smoking through apples, spare water jugs from my lacrosse days and dryer sheet-stuffed toilet paper rolls in my parent’s basement, so when I got back to Tally and my boys said they were coming to cop some bud, you know we had to make an event of it.” Hill then flipped on his LED lights and brought out his favorite piece of paraphernalia, conveniently named Jack the Ripper.
Two weeks later, all eight of the boys were diagnosed with COVID-19 and were quarantined in their respective Heritage Grove apartments. “I just don’t understand. I’m young, I’m healthy--how could I have gotten so sick?” questioned Tanner Collins, who has reportedly only eaten Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and BeyondMeat burgers for the last 4 years of his life and sucks through six puff bars a week. “You know, just about every one of my classes has brought up natural selection as early as syllabus week, but I didn’t think that applied to me! I’m my frat’s secret weapon on fight night and you’re telling me I can get this fucked by a stupid little virus?” Collins reports he is currently fulfilling his lab requirement in the ICU for a more hands-on experience.
Surprisingly, inhaling smoke through the same saliva-covered mouthpiece that hasn’t been cleaned since Pokemon Go was a thing isn’t following CDC guidelines. Thankfully, the radioactive solution of Tallahassee tap water, slowly disintegrating wet weed crumbs, and virus-ridden spit has created a promising formula for a possible vaccine. These future scientists and doctors successfully tested their theory and came to the conclusion that perhaps America is the weakest link in this evolutionary game we call 2020.