COVID Update: Attendees of Saturday’s Football Game To Be Euthanized Like Dogs

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Florida State University, courtesy of Governor Ron DeSantis and our very own President John Thrasher, has quickly become the laughing stock of the United States. Between apartment ragers and the reopening of bars, FSU is the crowned idiot of all of the other campuses and yes, this is the first time in thirteen years we’ve beaten ‘Bama at something. The most recent of FSU’s failures include allowing just under twenty thousand maskless spectators into Doak Campbell Stadium just so they could watch us lose in the rain. Because of this, the CDC has decided to go forward with the only possible solution to preventing COVID from spreading even further: euthanizing game attendees like dogs. 

“It’s just not clicking, is it? We asked people to pretty please stay inside their houses and not endanger the lives of everyone in the greater Tallahassee area. They just won’t listen. We gave them half a chance by sending out that lil’ PledgeTLH bullshit to maybe entice them but they didn’t bite. So now we have to put them down,” said newly-hired CDC veterinarian Carol Jermaine, who is spearheading the movement to put sport rubberneckers slowly to sleep forever. “If you went to the football game on Saturday you will be put down, doggy style. We will lay you down on a little blue table and let your loved ones cut off a lock of your hair before they have to say goodbye. And yes, tuition will still be due.”

“They are not playing around. My roommate got euthanized yesterday and now his sealed, wooden box of ashes is just sitting on our living room table. It’s weird,” testified Cassie Bryant, who famously loves standing outside for hours with people she doesn’t even like. “Yes, I went to the game without a mask, but I’ve already had COVID which makes me invincible. Everyone is so mad at me and all of my acquaintances for ruining their whole year just so we can have some short-term fun. So what y’all didn’t walk for graduation? I won’t either so maybe we can have shared trauma or something. I can’t help that I was raised to not care. I have never had empathy and I never will, which is why I don’t expect anyone to feel sad for me when I inevitably get put to sleep the second they figure out which Catalyst apartment I’m in.”

If you know someone who decided to squeeze themselves into the student section on Saturday, go ahead and comment the puke emoji under the Instagram picture they definitely posted about it. It’s a free pass to cyberbully them. Apathy isn’t cute, and neither is your boyfriend when he gets mad at you for giving him and everyone in his one in-person class COVID. Get ready to meet the dogs and cats from your childhood because you’re on your way to the rainbow bridge, baby. Put ‘em down.  

The Eggplant FSU