Inside Look: The Guys From Last Week's Tailgate
Nothing is more important to the Florida State community than going to football games, and that includes student safety. With a 8.49% COVID positivity rate and 17,000 students in one stadium, what could go wrong? Even though most classes are online and students are being required to social distance, the school must continue with the time-honored tradition of getting White Girl Wasted™ at the tailgate. Nothing says, “I spent high school in the bathroom vaping” or “my parents made me stay in-state because of bright futures” like hundreds of students gathering to guzzle piss-flavored beer and under seasoned barbeque in a parking lot. To get all the inside scoop, the Eggplant FSU went on the scene to speak to the guys of last week’s tailgate.
Trenton, a junior at Florida State: “There’s no reason to wear a mask; nobody else is doing it and it’s gonna clash with my Astroworld hoodie. It’s so dumb. In the good old days, tailgating meant you got a couple of blissful hours without any laws: underage drinking, serving food without a license, and catcalling girls from the bed of an F-150. Now they’re making up all these rules like staying six feet apart and no smoking joints. I just got out of the quarantine dorms which were super boring and had absolutely no baddies, so you’re crazy if you think I’m not going to live life to the fullest.”
Hunter, freshman: “I chose FSU for three reasons: party school, football games, and acceptance into the honors college to study molecular biology. I didn’t get a prom or real graduation last year, and I am not about to miss out on the real college experience. My friend got a fake and this keg is a total babe magnet. Some girls come over to me just for the beer. That’s what college is about. A lot of people have been filming me and my friends and I think they’re gonna post it online--they’re probably going to talk about how cool we look.”
Kaden, sixth year senior: “Spending hours in a crowded parking lot during a national pandemic is downright irresponsible. That’s why I hosted an open-invite pregame at my house and then only went to the tailgate for one hour. I love the Seminole spirit on game days. It’s a great mixture of students not wearing masks because they think they’re too young to get it and alumni grandpas who are too old to believe it’s real. I’ve heard rumors of FSU suspending students who aren’t social distancing, but they can’t suspend us all! You know, I could have played for the team if I didn’t tear my rotator cuff punching my wall in the 10th grade after Obama got reelected.”
As football season continues, it seems like there’s no end to tailgating. The dudes have made a unanimous decision to push through the pandemic and to text the GroupMe what they missed in the class that ended 4 minutes before. Whether it's to show off their FSU pride or an attempt to get blasted before the reality of another losing season can sink in, be on the lookout for the guys who see alcohol poisoning as the most reasonable deterrent for COVID.