Did the Union Gas Leak Turn the Campus Cats Gay?

On top of all their recent crimes, FSU has once again postponed the construction of the new union in hopes of opening in time for the class of 2048’s freshman year. The delay is due to a pierced propane tank that spilled gas across the campus and made it into the lungs and groins of our kitty comrades. While Coronavirus may be limiting our human sexual endeavors, the cats that live in the corners of our overwhelmingly heterosexual establishment are creating their own homotopia. 

Alfred Briggs, top scientist in the field of felines, reports that, “the poisonous gas that spewed out of the nonexistent union released tons of nitrous oxide that carried the sound of ‘Rain on Me’ playing from the Einstein’s speakers and has permanently altered the cats’ sexual preferences.” When asked if there was an antidote, Briggs responded, “After many interviews and scientific observation, we’ve come to the conclusion that the cats have absolutely no desire to return to their original mating methods. In fact, many of the female felines report having settled down in the circus garden with their fur-ever friends.”

Veteran gay and president of the Cat Student Union, Sausage, has taken advantage of the new surge in Pussr profiles and opened the hottest kitty club in town called the Litterbox. “It’s behind the 926 dumpster and exclusively serves catnip and poppers,” Sausage announced, adding that Ladies nights are Thursdays and feature a specialty ‘tunamouth’ cocktail. “I’m honestly really grateful for the gas leak. Business is booming and there are enough cats in town for me to have a new boyfriend every week, which is ideal until I hit my seventh life, obviously.” 

As the old proverb says; one man’s misfortune is another cat’s gain. This is especially true as students have lost any and all prospect of finally getting a Panera and cats have gained an entirely improved social life. However, this all begs the question, if a gas leak can do this to cats, how long before us humans are affected? Perhaps ask yourselves the next time you dismiss that dream about your roommate to just being lonely.