BREAKING: FSU Board of Trustees Announce Thrasher Replacement: Lake Ella Geese
In a fashion that felt like a one-paragraph break-up text at 3 A.M., Daddy Thrasher announced his sweet release from this COVID-infected hellscape. As per the university-wide email, the FSU Board of Trustees had begun their hunt for someone that’ll be the right cultural fit. Meaning, they are looking for a candidate that is equally smart enough to govern a small hamlet, but dumb enough to put trust into almost-barely adults — even when they cannot even drive down the right side of Woodward Garage. However, the seven-day search came to an abrupt end when the national search took a local turn: the Lake Ella Geese.
“It is untraditional to have co-presidents, but much like a magnet high school’s debate team, the more co-chairs the better. The odds of success increase, right? Mr. Anatidae and their associates will be im-peck-able assets to this new era of Florida State University,” remarked Chair of the Board of Trustees, Mike Howard, before he continued to pull nesting twigs of various sizes out of his ass. “Besides, I daresay it would be a bit fowl to not give them a chance. You saw how their cousin, Branta Canadensis, revolutionized the FSU Football legacy. In an era of uncertainty and unpredictability, they can provide consistency; otherwise, we risk being ostracized by the other Top 20 universities.”
“They have aggression that we have lacked since the mass exodus of university administrators over our poor handling of COVID-19. Now, more than ever, we need daring and different. Besides, they also help with our diversity percentage,” said Alumni Association President and CEO, Jules Pecker before he approved yet another donor email push to the new FSU alums that were robbed of a traditional graduation. “Mr. Anatidae and their associates already have significant influence over the next part of Tallahassee big business will soon gentrify. The treasury of this University will literally foam at the mouth for another source of dirty Burning Spear money.”
While it is unknown how long Anatidae will survive before they get inevitably roasted by some random satirical publication, one thing is for sure: Thrasher is really leaving. He leaves behind a successful, yet controversial legacy. He helped the university clobber its dirty paws into Top 20 while simultaneously ignoring a school-wide call to simply rename a building elegantly named after a racist. While the sorority girls are mourning their flower crown king, we anxiously await the next president so we can bully them into giving us another parking garage!