Mike Norvell Avoiding Eye Contact With Thrasher Following COVID Results Announcement

mike, look away!.jpg

In the “no *you’re* wrong” shit show that is 2020, most people can agree that COVID is testing a lot of traditional relationships. Business structures, our government, school systems, and even our personal relationships are all victims. The long-standing romance between our football team and the unconditional support of the FSU administration is no exception to those affected. In a turn of events everyone (but apparently not Thrasher) saw coming, Mike Norvell announced that he has tested positive for COVID. The coach and president have since been a little touchy.

“I just can’t believe what I read this morning. My sweet, sweet Mikey,” sighed Trasher as he dabbed his eyes with the crisp dollar bills he received from the 17,000 people who attended the football game. “It’s a shame honestly. We did everything we could to keep the game safe. We politely asked all the shit-faced, COVID-denying attendees to be six feet apart and that everyone washes their hands for thirty whole seconds while playing the war chant in their heads! It’s unfathomable that the same people with a track record for endangering other students’ health before the pandemic by partying would go against my wishes! They are running our sacred, prestigious image through the mud with their antics. I can overlook threatening the lives of my students and their families, but now my Mikey is part of their cohort. This is why I need to be the party pooper and actually threaten a punishment.”

“I am devastated that I can’t be there to see my boys lose in the fourth quarter with twenty seconds left. Worst of all, Thrasher isn’t speaking to me. We even lost our Snapchat streak! This is truly the worst-case scenario,” coughed Mike Norvell, who was wrapped in the big, comfy blankie Trasher sent him. “I don’t understand where we went wrong. I had the lads cut down on our after game huddle hugs and outfitted everyone with a bottle of scented hand sanitizer courtesy of the Governor’s Square Mall Bath and Body Works. Sure, the stadium had plenty of people and it became the wild west of diseases as soon as the fans and players left the stadium. Fans making out with the garnet and gold guys probably didn’t help, either.”

Despite needing marriage counseling, Norvell and Thrasher are still expecting the entire student body to change their beliefs overnight from just a few email announcements. They are allegedly deeply ashamed of our actions and are totally crossing their arms and shaking their heads. Even though President Thrasher made everyone take that pledge with UF promising not to swap spit with during the lockdown, it seems that the Florida State community has no loyalty to their own virtual signatures. Even though things may seem like utter garbage at the moment, we can all find solace through FSU Football’s trusty mantra: there’s always next year!

The Eggplant FSU