FSU and UM to Face-off at First-Ever COVID Hotspot Bowl
There’s nothing quite like making student athletes play despite their head coach being down for the count or the pandemic that is--news flash--still going on. It is truly astounding how much people care about the act of carrying a rubber spheroid while simultaneously not giving a single damn about the actual person carrying it. To make matters worse, major ACC-SEC athletic departments are raking in thousands of sweet, dirty dollars by still allowing stadium attendance. It appears that the only solace is the fact that this will make COVID spikes easier to track, right? Nonetheless, this weekend we will cheer on our Noles donning their signature garnet, gold, and portable ventilators against the University of Miami at the inaugural COVID Hotspot Bowl.
“This game is one of the most anticipated rivalry matchups this year, second only to the ACLU of Florida’s foot v. Ron DeSantis’ ass. The CDC removed the guidance on COVID’s airborne transmission, so like, nothing can go wrong now,” said Head Bowl Coordinator Hannah Ramsey after she ordered the poor sports marketing interns to hang up giant signs that read, ‘You assume all liability when you set foot into this stadium’ and ‘Masks are mandatory only when the FanCam is on you.’ “Think of this as a public service. The people want what the people want, even if it does have long term health complications. And we also make hella skrilla, so it’s a win win...for us!”
“Bro, Miami doesn’t stand a chance. So what if our last three games against them were disappointing? This is a new year and a new bowl game. Their positivity rate is like 10% and we are super close ahead at 8%. We are a second-half team anyway,” said self-proclaimed Nole fan and sixth-year senior Larry Miller, who earlier had been alternating Bud Light’s new Anti-Science spiked seltzer and DayQuil Severe. “There’s nothing like living in the shadow of 2015. It was my first semester here and I had just peaked in high school. Now my only personality trait is stanning FSU Football! I could worry about dying, but that’s a later problem for me. And hey, just like my idol Future says, mask off, baby!’
Tune in this Saturday to see if Florida State can finally shake that losing streak against the University of Miami. Who knows, maybe we’ll even bust out that cursed turnover backpack for the second time ever, or something more appropriate for the current climate, like a “Turnover Temperature Check.” Much like the Class of 2021’s graduation, this all seems pretty improbable. But hey, even if we lose for the third time in a row, that’s consistency, folks! Besides, there are plenty more hurricanes and crazy maskless nights out at Cancun’s to worry about this fall season anyway.