“We’re Very Lonely,” Union Construction Workers Claim No One Has Talked To Them in Months
Nothing hits closer to home than a good old fashioned sob story. At this point in the extended construction timeline of the new FSU Student Union, we’re coming up on three entire generations without access to free bowling and below ground concerts. Roughly 50% of the whole FSU student body has never even seen a Union, and the mythical community Chili’s has become nothing more than a generational folktale. Thankfully, they have made significant progress during the COVID-19 pandemic. The additions include an entire wing in the blueprint disappearing and even a newly installed gas scented air freshener! Most surprising of all, all of these changes seemed to come entirely from the construction crew themselves. According to the crew, no supervisor has set foot on the zone in months because of social distancing, making them in desperate need of some human interaction.
“We’re very lonely,” said Union construction worker Hugh Mancapital as he picked up another brick and set up to play another round of danger Jenga with the boys. “The higher-ups used to visit us almost every day to check up and tell us we were doing a good job. But ever since Jared, our top shovel guy, got COVID back in April they haven’t been back. On rare occasions, they drop off supply trucks and throw paper airplanes over the fence with our next instructions. Other than that, this project has been a pretty dreary existence. Who knows when we could finish?”
“We continue to treat the workers with the dignity and respect they deserve,” said Union Senior Executive Assistant, who requested to remain anonymous. “What have they been telling you? I promise we feed them. Yes, they’re fed scraps of what's left in the Pollo Tropical freezer, but that’s beside the point! We just haven’t had the heart to tell them that we can’t afford to pay them anymore. We were hoping they would just finish on their own before we had to break the news. All of that free COVID testing has put a huge dent in our budget, and those sweet construction guys are so excited to finish and get paid, the news will surely break their rough, manly hearts.”
Following the trends of 2020, the metal poles where the union is supposed to go will most likely be destroyed by a category five hurricane by the end of the season. Hopefully, the Union construction boys will find a safe harbor in the same Pollo Tropical freezer they get their meals from. Someone should go make friends with them through the fence like in Romeo and Juliet (the one with Leonardo DiCaprio) before impending disaster strikes.