Strozier Statue Reportedly Vanishing and Reappearing Overnight: Campus Terrified

Students and staff alike at Florida State University are shaken and quite frankly deeply disturbed as the Robert Manning Strozier statue has reportedly vanished from its established spot outside of the university’s main library. Library staff first reported its first disappearance to the campus police Monday morning, when a worker clocking in noticed the statue was nowhere to be found. Conspiracy theories have run rampant as the incident has only gotten stranger.

“As soon as I saw that I just said ‘nope’, and turned around,” said Lindsay Harmon, the worker who first noticed the disappearance. “I’ve worked here two years and that statue has been giving me heart attacks every night when I clock out. I always just knew it was watching me. Now this? Nuh-uh, I put in my two weeks immediately. I didn’t sign up for this ‘Night At the Museum’ shit. I am not Ben Stiller. I am Lindsay.” 

Harmon is clearly not the only one who feels this way. Rebecca Slater, a freshman who has locked herself in her room since the statue’s initial disappearance Monday, is convinced the metal mound is going to strangle her in her sleep. “I took drunk pictures throwing it back on Mr. Strozier just last week,” she admitted through her closed door. “I’m fucked. I’ve been here for one semester and I’m already on the hit list of an ominous dead man.” 

If you or a loved one have recently taken an inappropriate selfie or any similar pictures with the statue, we highly recommend following Slater’s lead. All other statues on campus, including but not limited to the Dirac and Legacy fountain statues, have been placed on close watch as students have been hesitant to approach them as well. In a probably completely unrelated note, the Union Building construction workers have been sighted whispering and giggling to each other during evenings on campus. We are glad they seem to be doing better, as they apparently have nothing else to do.