Amplify Party Rebrand: Same Dumb Shit, New Sexy Name
Following the absolute abomination that was Jack Denton’s removal as SGA Senate President (and subsequent reinstatement), the Amplify Party was, of course, looking for ways to cover their tracks. While it’s pretty difficult to get your audience to forget about a transphobic president, you do have the option of pretending you were never affiliated with him at all. Goodbye, Amplify, and hello Movement: the new-and-improved, definitely not affiliated with Jack Denton, political party. They even have a new slogan: “Beating As One”.
“Jack who?” asked Amp- oops, Movement FSU member John Johnson as he attempted to run away. “I don’t know who you’re talking about. Burning what? I honestly don’t even know what platform we’re running on, I’m just so happy we’ve put all of the old Amplify stuff in the past. That really wasn’t who we were at all, even though Jack Denton was essentially our poster child. It was easy to pretend, I mean, tell everyone how much we disapproved of his actions once everyone realized what he actually said behind closed doors. I was happy when he was reinstated though. Obviously, I don’t agree with what he said, but… freedom of speech. Our First Amendment rights were being infringed upon.”
“The whole thing is just a gigantic circlejerk,” said Progress Party affiliate Christian Green. “‘Beating as one’? I don’t know… sounds pretty gay to me. I actually wouldn’t even be surprised if Burning Spear is just a cover so a bunch of Pikes can have orgies. I know sex sells and everything, but we don’t need it in SGA. There’s enough sexual activity at FSU to infect the entire population of Iran with chlamydia. One fraternity member could pull a Timothee Chalamet and wipe out all of College Ave. Beyond that, changing your political party name doesn’t actually mean anything. If you look up ‘Movement FSU’ on Google, all you get is the Leach center. I’m not sure that their advertising is as effective as they think.”
Hopefully, the abysmal voter turnout that we normally have at SGA elections will improve once everyone forgets that the Amplify Party rebranded. If there’s one thing we can expect from FSU students, it’s that they will just place random votes during student elections. Some things never change, one of them being that no one actually has any idea what student government does or what’s going on. Regardless, use the freedoms guaranteed under the FSU Student Handbook and fulfill your civic duty the right way--by voting for whoever’s name sounds the coolest.