FSU Math Fraternity Accused of Hazing

Florida State is full of sororities and fraternities; in fact, greek life was ranked the #1 reason to attend by students who were on academic probation in high school. In addition to the cool ones that make sure girls’ BMIs don’t go over 18, there are many lame ones. These include but are not limited to: risk management and insurance, meteorology, and math. While these have long been considered as groups of nerds hanging out and padding their resumes, Pi Mu Epsilon is now under investigation for hazing.

“We take these accusations very seriously,” said chapter president Lucas Howard. “I have been president of this great institution for the past semester and this is the first investigation we’ve ever had since its founding in 1956.” Howard had no time to answer any further questions because he had to find more batteries for his TI-84 and sent us to the vice president, Chris Garcia. “We accept members based on math credits and GPA, that’s it. This fraternity participates in math competitions, so hazing would truly prove nothing. I’m sure the university will find no wrongdoing. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with a very beautiful girl from my calculus class: my protractor.”

The Eggplant spoke to the anonymous source who was alleging being hazed within Pi Mu. “I was so excited when I got invited to join, because there’s nothing cooler than crushing people in a good math challenge. When I got to the first meeting, things started getting weird. The president and vice president said if we wanted to be anything at this school, we were gonna have to do some...challenges. Pledges had to do 12 hour shifts in the ACE tutoring lab; one guy passed out--these conditions are inhumane. We had to solve equations while doing keg stands and if we got the answers wrong, it meant we had to take our shirts off. This is a math frat--a lot of male body dysmorphia going on. Real heavy duty stuff.”

Though there is a firsthand account of the hazing and more are likely to come out, Pi Mu will probably continue on. Like most fraternities at FSU, it’s going to take more than a little ‘boys being boys’ to shut everything down. Our prayers go out to the nerds affected as they press on in their vain mission to appear cool and relevant, despite being the secret envy of every Liberal Arts major who barely squeezed by Finite Math with a C.