Frat Busted in Hazing Scandal After Forcing Pledges To Brand “FSU” Into Their Hands Using the Suwannee Waffle Iron
COVID-19 has changed virtually everything about the college experience, even extra-curricular activities. Frats and sororities, once a staple of college life, have been radically altered in the face of the pandemic. Unable to engage in their usual under-the-table hazing practices, frats have had to get even more creative on how to ensure their pledges are loyal. As if they weren’t sociopathic enough, they’ve decided to force pledges to display their eternal loyalty by branding themselves permanently by using the Suwannee waffle iron.
Brad Evans, a proud recruit of Pi Kappa Chi Omega, sees no problem with these new techniques. “My dad was a FSU Pi Kappa Chi Omega, and when he pledged they hazed the guys so bad they violated the Geneva Conventions. Like, they legitimately just tortured them. I’m proud to keep the tradition alive by clamping my hand in the waffle iron. It’s a small price to pay for friends and a resume to make it look like I actually participated in shit. I’m ‘Nole Blooded; I bleed Garnet and Gold. Why bother getting an FSU tattoo when I can actually brand myself with ‘FSU’ to show my dedication? It seems like a no-brainer, and not just because I literally don’t have a brain.”
Brad Evans’ girlfriend isn’t sold on the idea, and is trying to convince him to pledge a different frat. “Brad is so god damn stupid, thank god he’s sort of good looking. This is like that episode of ‘The Office’ where Michael Scott accidentally grills his foot in a George Foreman, only this time it’s on purpose. It’s not that I don’t support hazing, because I absolutely do. It’s hot to see rich white boys get so saturated in their own privilege that they abuse each other. They literally torture one another, and then as soon as they get accepted they become ‘best bros’. Forgive and forget, right? I just don’t want anything to jeopardize his earning capacity for when we get married. I’m worried employers will see that he has ‘FSU’ branded on his hand and won’t offer him the job. I told him to lie and say it was a Zoom filter during his interview, but he was still healing and covered in bandages so he looked like those backup dancers for the Weeknd at the Super Bowl.”
Whatever the case may be, we hope hazing is one thing that dies with COVID-19. No matter what you think about Greek Life, I think we can all agree that the lack of hazing is for the better! The next time you’re considering sticking your hand in a waffle iron in a community dining hall, stop and think: is eternal friendship with dudes who can’t read worth it? The answer may surprise you.