New Wall Street Offices To Be Set up in ASLC Gaming Center
The streets of Tallahassee have been relatively desolate the past couple of weeks. There’s not much drama outside of preparing for midterms and overhearing the second hand gossip from Jessica’s little about spring recruitment in the campus Dunkin. However, the quiet, hallowed halls of the ASLC Gaming Center are about to find their voice again with the announcement of newly added Wall Street offices. That’s right--your favorite group of FSU students are partially responsible for the extra padding in your wallet if you read the right Reddit thread. Their success has brought Wall Street to FSU’s campus.
“It’s so hype,” says Bryan Collins, an ASLC gaming veteran. “We set up some foldable tables and chairs in the corner near the popcorn machine. We wanna give these new guys the best treatment. We also want to show them who's boss though. I mean our internet manipulation is the future of the stock market.” Clad in his mock suit t-shirt, he adjusted the headphones around his neck and continued. “A lot of us were in WallStreetBets and were part of the whole thing. We’re trying to plan a whole ‘Wolf of Wall Street’ event in celebration. We just really want to stick it to all of the losers in the business school. They think we’re just a bunch of Hot Topic dweebs, but we’re the real Jordan Belforts now.”
We also got to speak with one of the guys relocating from New York, James Mitchell, who had a lot to say about the move. “I guess these young guys can teach us a thing or two. I’m going to miss the hustle and bustle of big ole Wall Street, but I guess Learning Way will do. Trading my usual skim milk lattes for a breakfast at what they call ‘The Den’ won’t be so horrible, I suppose. An office is an office; this one just happens to smell like a middle school locker room and puts me further away from wherever Margot Robbie is.”
FSU is about to be big time balling. UF may be considered a top ten university, but at the end of the day they can’t say they have Wall Street in their backyard. If not before, now is the time to make friends with the shy gamer in your class and keep an eye out for the FSU wolves of Wall Street while they navigate Reddit, so you don’t have to.