Noise Complaints Stemming from Surplus of Doc Marten Squeaks in Strozier Starbucks Following Oat Milk Release

In recent news, Starbucks has announced the introduction of oat milk into their establishments. While they are extremely late to the game and the only reason for this delay could be their deep-rooted hate towards vegans everywhere, they’ve begrudgingly agreed to do this in the name of more money for their 4 billion-dollar company. Starbucks has started experimenting with drinks using this newfound milk alternative, and although the only similarity between campus restaurants and real-life restaurants is their name, oat milk has found its way onto Florida State’s campus at a few locations. Some students, however, are not too happy about this. 

“I was trying to study at Strozier as I have like, 47 essays due next week, and I couldn’t focus,” began Samantha Atkins, an FSU sophomore. “Instead of hearing Harry Styles's Calm audio track, I had to hear squealing Doc Martens pacing back and forth in the Strozier Starbucks!” While Atkins sought refuge on other floors of the library, the Doc Marten wearers asserted their dominance by spreading out across the building. “I just don’t understand why the security guards even let them in. There needs to be a max capacity for how many vegans and Kristen Stewart types are allowed on campus at once!”

“Yes, we did hear some students’ calls for the security scanners to detect the yellow stitching of a shoe when someone walks through it, but we feel it’s overkill,” stated Robert Smither, a front desk associate in Strozier library. “Honestly, I can barely believe the pleather sounds so loud, like, all the time, but there really is nothing we can do.” Smither grimaced, reminiscing on an attempt to ask someone to remove their platform boots, which unfortunately resulted in his being curb-stomped. Although faint, the company’s logo is still imprinted on the side of Smither’s face, much like branding on a cow. 

Everyone knows it wasn’t Starbucks’ intention for things to happen this way, but the marketing team surely could have crunched the numbers and seen the issues presented by oat milk before they happened. Where vegan alternatives are found, so are canvas bags, denim jackets, and DIY mullets. Florida State hasn’t commented on the issue directly, but they have placed barrels filled with earplugs at every entrance of the library, indirectly working around this conundrum.