CDU Hosting Male Manipulator Music Night
Anyone at FSU with a septum ring knows that Club Downunder is the place to go if you want to see some indie artist be mad as fuck about how he’s in a college town with no underage girls. Before COVID, they used to host concerts and different shows that attracted all the kids on antidepressants within a 15 mile radius. Next week, they’re catering to their audience and holding male manipulator music night.
“The idea came to me last week,” said FSU junior, Martin Osborn. “This girl I was talking to said she wanted something more than me coming to her apartment and showing her Radiohead music videos and then smashing. I was all like, ‘I’m super messed up from my middle school girlfriend who had to move because her dad was in the military and then she was trying to end things like fine whatever leave me like everyone else does, I’m a piece of shit, I guess I’ll die.’ And then it hit me--Radiohead is really fucking good and also Becca Hendricks is a slut. So me and the boys got together a list of bands we all like: Black Midi, Neutral Milk Hotel, Modern Baseball, stuff like that. So next week I’m gonna plug my phone into a speaker on Landis after I get my friend’s Spotify premium login.”
We spoke to Becca Hendricks, who also works for CDU as a graphic designer. “When Martin told me about this idea, I wasn’t surprised at all. All those guys like the same kind of music and then showing it to girls like they discovered it. Everyone’s heard of The Cure. I can’t believe that move works on some girls. It’s like, have some self-respect. Martin has DM’d like every girl at CDU, but he respects me. He’s actually super sensitive and going through a lot right now. He’s been sort of...down recently, so I’m really just being there for him--it’s not like I’m in love or anything. But anyway, the concert is gonna be next week, everyone should come and if you’re a girl remember to put out.”
So if you’re a fan of bands that have had to make Notes app apologies on social media, this is the event for you. Bring your friends or girls that you are going to force to name 3 songs before you believe they listen to a 25-year-old song they play in Walmart commercials. Snacks are not provided because everyone is going to be on adderall or have some form of body dysmorphia.