Seminole Experience To Start Selling Westcott Baptisms
Since not many people want to sweat their asses off doing ‘Yoga on the Field’ or running the 5k to the stadium, FSU’s event department known as the Seminole Experience™ had no choice but to get crafty. Since football games’ income was effectively halved, other means of bringing in more money to fund the Alumni Association’s third golden-encrusted toilet is required. With Easter around the corner, the Seminole Experience™ has now expanded into offering Westcott Baptisms, regardless of the dunkees’ denomination.
“There is nothing more revitalizing than being enveloped in a sludge of champaign, chlorine, and unidentifiable bodily fluids. We’re even offering a Lent discount with the promo code ‘10PLAGUES’!” said Minster Judas Brown, a recent graduate of Ministry from the Universal Life Church. “This is the holiest place on campus, I mean, besides the one bathroom in Diffenbaugh. For just $66.60, I will make sure you are a born again ‘Nole--you won’t even have to repeat Orientation! I don’t know much about the religious ramifications of this, but I have watched several Youtube videos that showed me the ins and outs of the Christening process.”
“If the Westcott baptisms end up being successful, we are thinking about expanding our locations. Shortly we will include Legacy Fountain, Heritage Fountain, and Suwannee’s third bathroom stall,” announced Student Activities Coordinator and chairperson of the Seminole Experience, Julie Fisher. “I can really see this becoming a tradition. Yeah, it might be sacrilegious for some, but we literally have a Seminole as a mascot. We are no stranger to controversy and quite honestly, controversy sells. So, be sure to get a package today before they’re sold out!”
Whether one collects bottled water from Westcott Fountain or blades of grass from Landis Green, weird knick-knacks and keepsakes from FSU have always been a trend. The chlorinated water flowing through Westcott Fountain was one more source of untapped potential that the FSU’s Athletic Department wanted to get ahold of. Besides, who doesn’t want to signify their faith in God with an empty Budweiser floating around the side?