How to Personally Welcome President McCullough Without Sounding Like You’re Into Him

We’ve all been there before. You introduce yourself to a man in a position of power, and all you can think to say is, “Hey, hot stuff”. It doesn’t matter if you’re into him or not, it just happens. And since the new FSU President Richard D. McCullough could pop up anywhere on campus, it makes sense as to why your frazzled brain would introduce yourself like a Party City Jessica Rabbit costume. Yes, being a trophy wife can be a respectable occupation, but this is your education we’re talking about! And he’s married, people! That Harvard research bond is unbreakable (and rightfully so), so it’s time to think of alternatives for the fateful day you lock eyes with the new big man in town.

How To Posture Yourself:

Let’s put that scoliosis slouch to good use! To create the appearance of un-arousal, morph your shoulders into that well known hunch while keeping the rest of your body upright like a scared ROTC freshman. The more he thinks you could be coerced into the military, the better. And hey, keep those sneaky little hands at your sides! Last thing: make sure not to tilt your head like you’re intently listening. Instead, opt for surveilling the surrounding area to keep your priorities scattered. You should be vulnerable, but on guard. 

What to Say:

This should seem easy enough, right? You would simply state your name and say it was a pleasure to meet him without much thought. But we all know how your social anxiety-ridden brain works. Any chance to say something weird, you will. So rather than risking making everyone uncomfortable, go for the two-step program: “Hi. Your name.” And obviously, when we say, “your name” that means just say your actual name, don’t try to pull some y/n Wattpad flirtation. 

When All Else Fails:

If it’s come to this point, then it’s time to unveil the big guns. You gotta say whatever it takes to keep the tensions low when the stakes are high. Reveal an embarrassing secret about yourself, like that time you threw up on a girl during your middle school choir concert. Ask if he has a clown collection. Offer him an expired Jamba Juice coupon. Hold your finger to your ear, say “Roger that,” and then run off. Or, shake your head and whisper, “Nope, not a fan of that smell”. You should evoke any other feeling than manufactured, inappropriate attraction. Hopefully, if you stick to this guide, you’ll be properly equipped for a meeting with the new president. Good luck!