UN Enlists Residence Advisor to Arbitrate Russia-Ukraine Conflict
The ongoing conflict in Ukraine seems to have no end in sight. With nearly every major world power weighing in on this issue, it seems the balance of the whole geopolitical order is in shambles. To help restore global order and avoid needless atrocities, the UN has enlisted the help of modern society’s most trustworthy arbiter of justice: the Florida State Residence Advisor.
“I think these conversations are going to be difficult, but I also think every productive conversation is,” said Marie-Anne, FSU’s very own Reynolds Hall RA. She laid down her game plan for the peace meetings. “I plan to sit Putin and Zelesnky down for an open discussion and to reaffirm some ground rules. What it’s really gonna come down to is their roommate agreement. I understand there are some very complicated arms agreements that I don’t understand but I think we’re gonna be able to work it out.”
Vladimir Putin weighed in after the first roommate arbitration. “Everyone is mad at me, but they don’t get it. Zelensky is an asshole! He’s always kicking me out of the room to bring a girl over and it’s not fair. He always tells me I could always ask him to leave when I need the room but it’s not fair when he’s the only one getting laid. Whenever he kicks me out, I call my oligarch friends to see if I can hang with them and you know what they do? They laugh at me and say ‘Zelensky need the room again? That guy fucks,’ then they call me ‘No bitches Putin!’” Putin’s face was red at this point so he took a moment to gather his thoughts in the study room. “I’m just saying war is a two-way street, I’m invading his country and killing citizens, and he humiliates me and kicks me out so I can’t play counter-strike.”
Negotiations with the RA are now entering their third day. Most of the proceedings are secret but there have been some leaks and statements. Zelensky has reportedly been talking behind Putin’s back and turning the entire rest of the dorm floor against him. It has also been leaked that Putin has been leaving dirty dishes in the sink for days (and it’s not because he forgot!). Marie-Anne has suggested that they should no longer be roommates but that has just fed into the ongoing dispute over who gets to keep the room. Zelesnky has stated that he would not move into another hall because he’s been in Reynolds since fall, but Putin claimed that Zelesnky is not only at fault, but that he needs to get his money up too.